WASHINGTON - As part of the US Military's ongoing campaign against low rations, a squad of highly-trained soldiers launched a tactical strike on Washington native David Turtle's fridge at 0600 hours Monday morning. The plans were drawn up two months ago when officers received intelligence suggesting that Mr Turtle had savoury food of all varieties in the main area and numerous tubs of Oreo ice-cream in the freezer section.
General Jenkins was effusive in his praise of the squad's efforts. "When you're at war, you need the best of the best of the best on your side. These men charged into the kitchen area with little to no thought of their own safety. There could have been marbles on the floor, or toy soldiers." He clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes. "One of our top guys nearly twisted his ankle on the coffee table, but that tough S.O.B was still up there eating turkey at the end with the rest of them."
Rumours that several boxes of éclairs and a roast chicken went missing from the scene have yet to be confirmed, though it is strongly believed that an internal investigation is imminent. Regardless of the outcome, it will be seen as yet another success for an enduringly popular endeavour. Troop approval ratings for the war have reached unprecedented heights ever since the opening skirmish at a Colorado Walmart yielded several tonnes of canned goods and countless Twinkies.
The next phase of the operation will begin next month when battalions will be deployed against the homeless population of the nation's capital. "As the hungriest and thinnest of us, the homeless have the biggest appetites", explains senior Army strategist Alan Scabbard. "Make no mistake: they are coming for our food".
No end is in sight for the combat operations, though President Obama has promised to withdraw 70% of the soldiers from the nation's pantries by the end of 2011.