Written by Noddy Bigears
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Topics: Pentagon, Military

Thursday, 5 May 2005

Larry Franklin, 58, Kearneysville, W.Va., a Pentagon analyst has leaked documents and scientific papers that show the US military could soon benefit from an enhanced military capability - home grown dinosaurs ready to fight any conflict anywhere in the world. Unfortunately, he leaked them to a pro-Israeli group and this has led to his immediate arrest on the charge of treason.


Pentagon paleontologists uncovered a huge number of fossils in Utah and have been able to extract the DNA for the first time from a group called the therizinosaurs. Roughly, 1700 bones were found at the base of the Cedar Mountain rock formation in Utah. The bones are probably about 125 million years old but the huge concentration of high quality bones led to the attempts to extract the DNA and use chicken eggs as the carrier for the new species, to be called Falcarius utahensis.


Gen. Richard B. Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "had warned that ongoing military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan would limit the capability of the US to fight another war." However, he said to be delighted at the Pentagon news of the new dinosaur army and announced "future armed conflicts will result in achieving significantly higher campaign objectives as well as resulting in higher casualties and less collateral damage." Myers added "the US would still prevail in any future conflict, but may be able to meet or even exceed expectations for speed or precision using the new army of dinosaurs as a strategic weapon."


Pentagon officials announced that the new dinosaur, Falcarius utahensis, was believed to be a vicious brutal meat eating killer that would even kill for fun after playing with its prey hence leading to its suitability as a candidate for the new dinosaur army. The dinosaurs will be trained progressively for the first 12 months of their lives until when they reach about 12 feet in height. They will then be brought to perfection at the Abu Graib intensive training camp including soft activities such as prisoner interrogation and other negotiation skills. Subsequently, they will be released into the World hot spots to unleash carnage on the local inhabitants and eliminate the US enemies.


However, top dinosaur scientist, Scott Sampson of the University of Utah has communicated to The Spoof that "the rise of plant-munching therizinosaurs in Utah may have been directly linked to the spread of flowering plants about 125 million years ago and the Falcarius utahensis is most certainly a vegetarian." He added, "It will be probably a relatively intelligent, kind and gentle creature that will grow to a maximum height of 2 feet and will thrive best on a mixed diet of Pansies, Roses and Petunias, it might just bite a toe or a finger if it was really a bit miffed." He concluded, "It sounds like one more top secret multi-billion dollar cock-up by the Pentagon."


Elsewhere, Routers News Inc, has reported ‘in an unprecedented move, President Ariel Sharon, Israel, has announced that the Gaza Strip is to be converted to a flower garden including Pansies, Roses and Petunias for the enjoyment of Israelis and Palestinians and as a lasting gesture to end all conflict.‘ Lets' hope Falcarius utahensis is not hiding in the flower bed?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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