Written by Charpa93
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Topics: Satan, exorcism

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

image for Local Oklahoma Satanist Cult to Perform Reverse Exorcism

A local Satanist Cult has booked the Oklahoma Civic Center for October 21st, the closest date to Halloween they could get, to perform what they call a reverse exorcism. The group, which calls itself "Satan and the Majestic Mayhems" claims that it is their constitutional right to assemble just like any other group in a governmental building for purposes of spreading their word. They aren't sure how many people will actually come and worship with them, but the fact that they are booking the Civic Center means they are hoping to draw a large crowd.

But beware, this type of reverse exorcism has never been attempted in front of a large crowd before. A normal exorcism, which is usually performed by the Catholic Church or Pat Robertson, consists of identifying the presence of an evil spirit that has been creating havoc inside some unsuspecting human's body, yelling at it in Latin, sprinkling holy water on the body, and commanding the beast to come out compelled by the power of Christ, or something like that.

In a reverse exorcism, the cult has a few bottled beasts sitting on an altar and after lighting some really cool black skull candles, burning batwing incense, and reciting the Beatles backwards, the reverse exorcism begins. The cult leader, known as the High Bastard Himself (HBH), dressed like a devil with horns and evil eyes and everything, opens one of the bottled beasts and compels it to enter the body of a semi-nude virgin who has been strapped to a really cool altar made from acrylic bones that are so life-like, you think they are real. If you're lucky enough to witness it, just be aware that it happens in a flash. If you blink, you may miss it.

The whole satanic service takes on average 2 hours, but the reverse exorcism actually takes less than a minute or two, much shorter than the Catholic exorcism, which can sometimes take up to 3 days to accomplish. One satanic elder claims the reason for this is that it is much easier to get the demon to enter the body, but he usually doesn't like coming back out.

The HBH for Satan and the Majestic Mahems is urging everyone interested in attending to get their tickets early as the event is expected to sell out. Discount tickets go on sale Friday at all local hardware stores and Sandy's Music Emporium.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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