Written by AlexGoneWild

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Topics: Jesus

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

image for Area Man Curses Jesus Nightlight
If nightlights had been around at the last supper, would they have protected Jesus in his darkest hour?

HARLINGEN, TX - A nightlight designed to represent an image of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ caused Christopher Baker, area father of two to explode in a torrent of obscenities on Monday when he was unable to complete the simple task of changing its light bulb.

"This thing is f***ing ridiculous!" Baker yelled from his kitchen as he attempted the replacement. "Who is the hell designed this damn thing? I mean are they trying to piss me off? What the f***?!"

The need for the bulb exchange was first discovered and brought to his attention by Baker's 12 year old daughter Christine, who recently had returned from a week at church camp and is an acolyte at St. Alban's Episcopal church where the family attends services regularly. Originally thought to be a minor 60 second job, the effort quickly turned into a frenzy of both frustration and very vocal disdain for the nightlight. "I don't know what to f***ing say about this piece of s***", Baker said bitterly through a scowl of outright hate. "The hole is too small to get the bulb out! What in the living f*** am I supposed to do? Break it to get this f***ing thing working again? How in the f*** did they even manage to sell anything designed like this in the f***ing first place?" As he fumed, Baker reportedly picked up the nightlight, looking into the eyes of the figure of Jesus as he did and screamed, 'Work you f***ing thing! Work!' as both children and his wife of 20 years looked on in complete astonishment while nervously looking toward the ceiling for errant 'lightning bolts'.

The struggle continued for nearly an hour until it was obvious that Baker lacked both skill and patience for the project. At which point, he called the nightlight a "f***er" and abruptly threw it into the kitchen trash.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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