Written by AlexGoneWild
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Tuesday, 7 September 2010

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HARLINGEN, TX - Local long time Express Pizza delivery boy, Bradley Chapman will at long last achieve a dream that he has been anticipating since he was still a junior in high school. Today Chapman will officially be honored with the status as pizza delivery man.

"I have so many people to thank. Mainly my parents for having me in the first place and for the federal goverment, of course for defining a 'man' as an adult male at least 18 years old", Chapman said.

Chapman will now benefit from all the powers and responsibilities bestowed on his fellow pizza delivery men and he is ready for the duty assigned to him on this momentous occasion. "First, I'd like to say that as a pizza delivery boy my role in society was limited although my potential for greatness was only hidden from view behind a cloak of youngness", Chapman remarked. "Now as a pizza delivery man my horizons are, in fact limitless. In addition to my duty to ensure that each customer receive a piping hot pizza to order within 30-minutes-or-less-or-it's-free, my new position as delivery man dictates that I might need to start shaving once or twice a week. In addition, I can now legally run the dough mixer. I know I'm ready, though. I've been working toward this day since I was born. Let's do this thing!"

While Chapman is excited about attaining the coveted level reserved for a only a select few million other delivery boys thoughout the world each year, he is not allowing the honor to go to his head. "I just want to get on my scooter and keep fighting traffic like I've been doing and be a good example for the delivery boys out there who will be looking up to me as a person with answers to questions. Questions like how to keep from getting shot by some random gang member for the $5.00 in change I carry or how to avoid getting beat up by an angry husband who comes home to find his wife is taking delivery of more than just a pepperoni pizza."

Surely, this moment will be the crowning achievement in Chapman's life and a positive indicator of his future. His aspirations are numerous and he is already making plans for his next big goal. "I guess I'll go vote or something first and then who knows? If I work real hard and never stop pushing myself to make things happen for me, when I'm 21 I know I can discover a way to drink beer just about wherever I want without having to worry about getting busted by the cops."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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