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Monday, 6 September 2010

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Obama makes it clear to voters of every religion - "whatever you believe, that's exactly what I believe."

CHICAGO - While the White House expresses its shock over polls showing that only 34% of Americans believe Obama is Christian, Dr. Matthew Zeller explains how "normal" and "Christian" as perceived in San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Capitol Hill differ significantly from the average tax-paying American's perception.

As one example, the White House 2009 Christmas Tree included an "Alternative Lifestyles" ornament signed by "famous" transvestite Hedda Lettuce. Generally speaking for large portions of the US, males dressing up in "Sexy Maid" costumes is Halloween-ish, not so much a Christmas-like thing.

In defense of President Obama, the Death-Metal lead singer Nathan Explosion once put up a Christmas Tree that could be described as "shocking." However, the singer did not consider the tree to be religious, instead it fascinated him that "a living thing with potential to rise in majestic freedom on tall mountains could be subjugated to infinite humiliation in death, covered with plastic novelties and unnatural lights, and in a few weeks left on a curb as a naked and withered husk."

Unfortunately, the Obama's Christmas ornament displaying Mao Tse-tung was "wrong" on an Epic scale. Although Atheists on the "Far Left" have described "typical" Christians as following the "Murderous, White-Oppressor Jesus," people that view Christmas as embracing life and new beginnings are "sickened" by the effort to associate a mass-murdering Communist tyrant with celebrating the birth of Jesus.

Actions contradictory to Bible tradition are only a part of why non-Christians were able to see Obama as "one of their own."

Moonchild Xena Kami-Isis (San Francisco): I just knew Obama was an Atheist like me when he spoke of how those bitter hillbillies just cling to guns and religion, and hate people that aren't like them ... but now, I'm confused because there's Ramadan in the White House.

Allyson "Kitty" Chrystal (Los Angeles): Obama is totally Scientology. Like, when he made the Hollywood party scene, and everyone there was like ultra-cool, and ... like, Obama is going to help us make Scientology Outreach a top priority in NASA so space can be used to raise everyone's self-esteem.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Jr.: Obama sat in my church for 20 years. He knows the light of Black Liberation Theology. Obama knows the message of Jesus was "take from the rich, and give to the poor." When the White-Roman-Oppressors heard that Jesus and his band of Merry Men were robbing Sheriff Vatican's Tax Collectors and spreading the wealth, they said to themselves "we must kill this Black Jesus." Now, the Zionist Overlords controlling America will not let him see me ... because they don't want him reminded ... of the truth!

Malik Zulu Shabazz (Detroit): Before the election, Obama confided in me that he knew how Islam could be the unifying force to make America great. Unfortunately, there are many jealous people who think his Christianity is an act of deception. In truth, President Obama is a devout Christian who is enlightened and understands that the Koran is the perfect, complete, and final word of God, while the Bible is a flawed object, corrupted by Jews conspiring for world domination.

Dr. Matthew Zeller: Now that Obama is president, it is somewhat strange that he has used the phrase "my individual salvation rests on our collective salvation." Based on theological sources, Christian salvation depends on faith related to the Crucifixion of Jesus, which has nothing to do with any "Collective." In the case of Islam, there are "The Five Pillars" which are basic tenets, but not related to any "Collective." Finally as an Agnostic observer, if the "Collective" is taken to mean "everyone," then there is no salvation for anyone while two or more contradicting beliefs exist within the "Collective." Logic dictates self-contradiction proves a system to be false or invalid. In short everyone goes to Hell. Regardless, using the term "Collective" is reminiscent of insects, a hive, or a cult, instead of any religion that recognizes individuality in humans.

Finally, a Neo-Nazi White-Supremacist admitted voting for Obama, saying "it was amazing that a politician running for president agreed with almost everything I believed ... we even gave our children the same names, Ludwig and Helga." The man went on to say how he was "really disappointed" at the number of promises that President Obama has not kept.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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