I was lucky to have a rare, exclusive interview with President Bush earlier this week at the White House. Even Bush was surprised when I showed up. "Didn't they give you trouble at the gate?" he asked. "No sir," I replied. "I just shaved my head and told them I was Jeff Gannon and they waived me to a special entrance." The President chuckled. "That boy is sure missed ‘round here."
I had intended to interview Bush about his proposed Social Security cuts but his mind was preoccupied with his wife's appearance at the White House Correspondence Dinner last Saturday. "She thinks she's so dang funny," he complained. "Well if she wants jokes about lying there…" But before he could finish, his watch started making some loud beeps and buzzing. Then I heard what sounded like Karl Rove clearing his throat. Suddenly Bush changed the topic.
"Did you hear they found that missing bride? She was eating chili at Wendy's." I thought Bush was trying to make a joke but, sensing my disbelief, he showed me the article on a website. "But this is a parody!" I exclaimed. "Dontcha know it!!!" Bush exclaimed back. "I used to do quite a bit a parodying back in my young and reckless days. I remember one time we had a keg, a bag of cok-" Suddenly his watch started beeping again. Bush muttered something that sounded like "why don't you go bug Condi" and then he just sat there with a giant blank stare.
I was interested in the website Bush had showed me and asked him more about it. "This is where I get all my news" confided Bush. "When I first got this gig, Karl had some filter-ma-jig installed on my computer to block all the news sites. But it don't work. Just look at all these webby pages I can get!" He showed me his list of favorites which included TheSpoof.com, SpoofNews.com, TheOnion.com and CrackersCentral.com. "I get everything I need to know from these" bragged Bush. "Like this one here. Did you know Ann Coulter is going to play Darth Vader in the new Star Wars movie? Betcha didn't! Betcha didn't!" he kept repeating until I admitted that, in fact, I had not known that. I wanted to verify what I thought he was saying. "So the only news you get comes from these websites?" I asked him. But before he could answer, John Bolton entered his office. "RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW" yelled Bolton, with spit hanging from his famous white moustache. "RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR" continued Bolton as he threw a couple staplers to make his point. At that moment I slipped away and, in my haste, forget to log out of the White House.