Supporters of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer are saddened this morning over reports that she actually suffered a series of debilitating strokes during the Gubernatorial debate yesterday.
"It was obvious that she was in a lot of trouble early on," said Dr. Tiffany Theissen, the head of UCLA's Brainfart Research Group. "You can actually pinpoint when each blood vessel broke, just be listenting to the stupid sh-t she is saying."
"I have (First stroke happens during this 7 second pause)... done so much and I just cannot believe that we have changed everything since I've become your governor in the last 600 days. Arizona has been brought back from its abyss," Brewer said.
Then, "We have cut the budget, we have balanced the budget and we are moving forward. We have done everything that we could possibly do. (Second stroke happens during this 11 second period. Damage to the medulla oblongata occurs at this time.) I... I... OK, the Spics who wrote my opening statement are getting f--king deported!"
"History tells us that the pool of tragically underqualified female politicians is inexhaustible," said President Obama, when asked to comment on the stupid sh-t Governor Brewer has said over the past few months. "But suffrage is the law of the land, and there's no undoing it. However, Jan Brewer may not really be ready for this 'Running For Governor' thing."
"Millions of years ago, when she was in her 20s, she could have just laughed nervously and spilled a drink on her boobs and gotten away with that being cute," continued the president. "Now that's she looks like Johnny Carson's corpse with a Rachel wig, it just doesn't work."
The fervor comes hot on the heels of Governor Brewer claiming recently that law enforcement has been finding beheaded bodies in the desert. Of course, she's totally full of sh-t.
"Our law enforcement agencies have found bodies in the desert either buried or just lying out there that have been beheaded," Brewer said Sunday, suggesting that the beheadings were part of increased violence along the border.
But medical examiners from all six of Arizona's counties, four of which border Mexico, say that they've never encountered an immigration-related crime in which the victim's head was cut off.
Last week, Brewer claimed that a majority of illegal immigrants are "drug mules" being used to smuggle narcotics into the country.
Brewer was also caught this month incorrectly claiming that her father died "fighting the Nazi regime in Germany." (Her father died in 1955 in California, ostensibly of embarrassment, long after the end of WWII and the Nazi party.)
The Jan Brewer is the only Governor in the United States without a college degree?
Brewer graduated from Glendale Community College with an Associate's Degree in 13th Grade.
(It's the Democrats' fault in 3...2...)
"Once again, the liberal media has found a way to pathetically misquote me, to submarine my political career," said Governor Brewer, while talking to the ficus plant in her basement.
It seems that former President Clinton actually has some sympathy for the only United States Governor without a college degree: "I dunno, I feel a little sorry for 'Future Ann Coulter', coming back here from the year 2025 in a time machine just to choke on her own dick like that."