Written by Chief Cheese
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Wednesday, 4 May 2005

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Dick Cheney, shown obviously happy and relieved at the end of the State of the Union address

BREAKING NEWS: Washington, May 3. Spoof's covert Cabinet level source has disclosed that Dick Cheney, who of course is the Vice President, has not been seen in his office or on the job at all since the State of the Union Address on February 2. The following transcript of yesterday's cabinet meeting is offered in evidence, to wit;

(The tape starts with the sound of the rustling of papers and people gathering in the room).

President. "Ok. Let's get the show on the road here. Take a seat there, Don. What's that? Why didn't you take care of that before you came in here? No. We won't be long."
Cabinet Members. More sounds of chairs, briefcases opening, etc.
President. "Let me get my list out here. I can't believe I still don't know all your names. (sound of papers shuffling.) OK. Let's make sure everyone is here. Gonzalez?"
Cabinet Member Gonzalez. "Here, Sir."
President. "Good. You'll do well here. Goss?"
Cabinet Member Goss. "Here."
President. "Rumsfeld?"
Cabinet Member Rumsfeld. "Yeah"
President. "Rice?"
Cabinet Members. Soft Chatter heard in the background.
President. "C'mon Condi. Off the phone, for God's sake. I thought I said no cell-phones. Now get with the program. Rice?"
Cabinet Member Rice. "Here, Mr. President."
President. "Cheney?"
Cabinet Members. Silence.
President. "Cheney?"
Cabinet Members. Silence.
President. "Cheney?"
Cabinet Members. Silence.
President. "Jesus H. Christ! Where the hell is Dick Cheney? Has anyone seen him? Why does he keep doing this?"
Cabinet Members. Sound of the members looking down at the conference table.
President. "Goss, You're head of CIA right? Except you work for the bald guy now? OK-do you know where Cheney is? No? Then get the hell up and go out and figure it out. We'll reconvene later."
(The tape stops shortly thereafter. Just coincidence though-it has nothing to do Goss leaving the room. No, really- it doesn't.)
Readers should be aware that Mr. Cheney has a history of disappearing during critical times of his life and career. Five minutes of research on the internet will reveal the following:
• After enrolling in the University of Wyoming in 1961, he soon stopped coming to all classes. End result: Obtained a BA and MA, graduated Summa Cum Laude.
• After joining President Ford's 1974 transition team, and setting up shop in Washington, it was soon learned that he never occupied his office. End result: Carter elected.
• Defeated his rival Bill Bagley in the 1978 race for the House of Representatives. Never showed up for the swearing in. End result: won re-election 5 times.
• Appointed President of Halliburton in 1995. Came to work a few times in the first week, and then started to flake. Officially "took sabbatical". End result: awarded over $35 million in salary, shares, and options in Halliburton.
• Elected Vice President in 2000. Shows up occasionally-and always for the State of the Union address. Work habits thereafter "less than stellar" according to some Beltway insiders. End result: Re-elected in 2004.

Even Laura Bush mentioned Cheney in her roasting of her husband (the President) last Saturday night. "One thing about George that makes me laugh, and there are many," she said, "is that he still calls the Vice President ‘Dick Cheney' after all this time. I asked him ‘why all the formality?' and he said that there are too many ‘Dicks' in Washington for him to keep them all straight. Dick Cheney, Dick Armey, Dick Durbin, and it goes on and on."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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