Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: England, Army

Tuesday, 3 May 2005

image for Attorneys: Pvt. England Has "Pointer Dog Syndrome"
Innocent Lyndie points to anything

Pvt. England's Defense attorneys today disclosed one of the Army's most closely guarded secrets: the former Abu Ghraib clerk has "Pointer Dog Syndrome". Essentially, she has the mentality of a mediocre hunting dog and will point at anything. It was obvious in court as she incessantly pointed at the judge, jurors, witnesses, and inanimate objects.

"Why else do you think she'd pose for those stupid pictures?" asked her attorney Maria Slikmistress. "She was a clerk, not a guard, and her primary duty was sex slave to the higher ranking enlisted men, all of whom of course impregnated her. Her recently born baby shows the DNA of 37 sergeants, sort of a Super Guard if you will. Her early days at the prison were uneventful, just file a few papers and have sex with a few sergeants. Then they discovered her penchant for pointing."

Pvt. England is from West Virginia, and area known for unusual genetics and DNA. It is not unusual to discover a concentration of genes, a symptom of in-breeding, but also some very unusual outcrosses with totally unrelated humans and farm animals. "This is by no means an indictment of her mother" said Slikmistress. "The pointer dog gene could have been passed on by her father or an uncle."

Pointer dogs are common in West Virginia, where hunting is a way of life whether its hunting season or not. Hunters get close to their dogs, and well, sometimes the DNA gets mixed. When the prototype is in the human form, we often see the pointer dog syndrome. Its really no big deal, unless it gets exploited, as obviously it was at Abu Ghraib. "She had no idea of the ramifications of her actions," said Slikmistress. "She was told to point and she did."

The defense team thought they had a really good chance of acquittal using the pointer dog syndrome defense, but the judge, on orders from the pentagon, ordered the plea agreement. "Pvt. England is taking one for the team" explained the judge. "We exonerated Gonzales, who justified the abuse, Rumsfeld, who approved the abuse, and all the generals who ordered the abuse. We're letting these enlisted smucks pay for those pictures. And besides, just look at Pvt. England in those pictures! As long as she's got something to point at, she's perfectly happy in prison."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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