WASHINGTON, DC - Washington area Catholics are gearing up for one of the most important religious events of the new century. Due to the extreme difficulty in finding any verifiable virgins over the age of 11 in the nation's capital, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has decreed that the current patron saint of Washington, DC, the Virgin Mary, be replaced by a saint "who's type, temperament and demeanor more suits the true nature of this powerful city state".
Some of the Christian orthodox, over achievers who made it to the short list were: Saint Matthew The Apostle, who's current patronage includes, bankers, accountants, money managers, security forces, tax collectors and the tone deaf. Saint Margaret of Cortona, who is commonly associated with sexual temptation, reformed prostitutes, tramps, hoboes, insanity and bad hair cuts. Saint Gertrude of Nivelles, who's name is often invoked when seeking protection from rats, cats, gardeners, insanity and recently dead people.
Rounding out the final spot in the top five contenders was, Saint Bibiana, patron saint of headaches, hangovers, mental illness, torture victims and domestic servants. Bibiana was the sentimental favorite going into the final ballet, but was narrowly edged out by the winner and new patron saint of Washington, DC, the vivacious, vestal, vixen, Saint Dymphna, patron saint of sleepwalking, incest, insanity, mental illness, neurological disorders and possesed people.
When questioned by reporters about the selection process, Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, Archbishop of Washington, replied, "It was a tough decision to make, but it was something we just had to do. I'm sorry to say that Washington is just about as virginal as Courtney Love. We decided it was in the best interest of everybody involved to quit pretending to be something we weren't and to play to our strengths. We feel that although all the candidates brought something important to the table, Saint Dymphna best represents the character of twenty-first century Washington".
Sources close to the president say that although Mr. Bush was pleased that Washington had been singled out by the new papacy for this tremendous honor, he chose not to attend the unveiling of the magnificent, new three hundred foot statue of Saint Dymphna recently erected in the courtyard of the Pentagon. Aids say that the president was deeply disappointed that he wasn't chosen and will in all likelihood just fly down to Crawford to contemplate his own martyrdom.