"The only way we can be fair in raising government taxes that is fair to everyone is to tax those who pollute our environment the most", stated President Obama yesterday at a press conference.
"Make no mistake about it, we are in a very serious economic condition and we will have to begin doing something soon.
Personally, my family and I have agreed upon only 16 vacations per year, to set an example."
The President then took a small meter from his pocket and showed everyone at the conference.
"First we are raising federal taxes on gasoline on everyone at the pumps but only by 6 cents per gallon. This little device, much like the ankle bracelet does for the wasted, will show how much gas a person passes per day, ruining our clean air. Now a very obese person will let some that seem to never end and get away with it."
"No more. From now on, you poot pollute, you pay! So if I were you, I'd hold it in until absolute necessary."
Now here's VP Biden with the rest."
"My fellow Americans, gluttons have gotten away with massive farts that the rest of us have to breathe, shortening our own lives. With this device, already being sent out to health departments in every state, city and county in America. You must put it on or pay a $1,000 fine."
"We have actuaries figuring up our savings. They have assured us that this little device will bring in enough money to pay off our national debt in ten years PLUS build over 10,000 big windmills to see that those farts that do escape, are fanned far out to sea."
Oh, one last word. All Mexican restaurants and Taco Bells will get a government subsidy for Beano supplied with every meal until they figure out how much to add to all bills to cover the Beano tabs. PLENTY OF JOBS SOON, AS 100 New Beano Production factories will be built during 2011!"
"Give A Hoot, Don't Fart Pollute!"