Jackson Hole, WY (BNSE): Mired with increasing signals of an unexpected economic slowdown and the possibility of a double dip recession, the Federal Reserve announced a series of "unconventional" programs it is prepared to undertake in order to stabilize the economy. Standing prominently among various initiatives including further quantitative easing, maintaining record law interest rates, and increased buying of sovereign dept, the Federal Reserve plans to begin selling a full line of vitamin supplements are part of a multi-level marketing campaign.
"The concept is simple," said a high ranking source with the Federal Reserve's Open Market Committee. "All we have to do is make a list of nations were we already have significant fiduciary arrangements, and introduce them to the vast, untapped, profitability of owning their own vitamin supplement business. If only twelve of those nations have the foresight to see the unlimited potential of this opportunity, and they contact a list of twelve other nations and introduce them to this opportunity, in just three to five years we could generate not just enough funding to stabilize the financial system, but create the liquidity necessary to fuel a new golden financial age for the entire world."
When asked how vitamin supplements, an active, yet small market segment, could generate the multi-trillions of dollars necessary to fund even half of the United State's total unfunded liabilities, the Fed official sad, "This is where the magic happens.
"Sure, you can ask, 'How many people want to take vitamins,' 'Why should I spend the extra money on these supplements when I can go to the drug store and buy vitamins at half the price.' All I can say is someone needs a check up from the neck up! Once you just try one of our free one week samples of these high quality supplements, and consume just four tablets six times a day with meals, the increase in your energy levels, stamina, and general health will sell the product itself. Just look at my finger nails. I bet there are billions of people around the world just dying to have fingernails this nice. So, as you can see, just based on the quality of the product alone, the Federal Reserve should easily realize returns of over ten percent to decades to come. That's even better than China!
"But, that's not all! You see the finest vitamin supplements in the world are only the tip of the Fed's new monetary initiative. Once the world experiences the benefits of our full line of vitamins, they will be eager to try out our full line of fine products. Then, through the concept known as 'Redirecting Your Buying,' where you just buy the products you normally use through the Federal Reserve system rather than your local grocery store or mall outlet, we can harness the buying power of billions around the globe and funnel those new resources into increased market liquidity, insurance related financial instruments, infrastructure projects, social programs... And, most importantly... Jobs. Can you imagine the number of factories that would have to open to supply the United States with breath spray if everyone used just two bottles a week?"
Stocks surged on the Fed's announcement and numerous corporate executives voiced enthusiasm to join the Fed's program. "I can easily see many corporations paying their employees with boxes of laundry detergent, body wash, and lip stick in lieu of money. I would not only be good for morale, but the economy as well, as business would be able to pass the savings of selling products from their own business direct to the consumer," said one noted market analyst.
A spokesman for the Internal Revenue Service also expressed optimism about the prospects of the new program. "Not only would the Federal Government see a significant rise in tax revenues generated from this new economic activity, the IRS itself could generate billions in profits as we would replace income tax returns with a series of motivational speaker cassette tapes and insightful books educating the public into how to create businesses of their own."