Written by Luke Reynolds
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Topics: Students, revolution

Friday, 29 April 2005

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For many students across the nation, this is finals season, also known as the time of cramming and caffeinated late nights.

Many students contently grunt through this phase of academic life. However, one law student took matters into his own hands and created a treaty between students and law schools to ensure the proper treatment of weary-eyed bookworms.

The text is reprinted verbatim below:


Whereas, recognition of all law students' inherent dignity and their right to rest and relax is necessary to ensure a continually litigious society,

Whereas, disregard and contempt for the right of law students to a happy life has resulted in barbarous sleepless nights spent studying, which is outrageous to the conscience of humankind, and is detrimental to the creation of a world where all human beings can enjoy freedom of entertainment and freedom from fear of bad grades and want of good, non-vending machine procured food, which is one of the highest aspirations of normal people,

Whereas, if law students are not to be compelled to seek recourse from the courts in fits of rage by filing frivolous lawsuits against random people walking down the street, it is essential that law student rights should be protected by the rule of law,

Whereas, it is essential to promote the development & maintenance of friendly relations between humans and their companion animals (pets),

Whereas, the universities have, in their charters, reaffirmed their confidence in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of each and every law student, and in the equal rights of men and women, and better standards of life for all,

Whereas, a common understanding of these rights and freedoms is of the greatest importance for the full realization of this pledge,

Now, therefore,


Proclaim this Universal Declaration of Law Student Rights as a common standard of achievement for law students at private and public schools, day and evening, to the end that every professor, keeping this Declaration constantly in mind, shall strive to promote respect for these rights and freedoms, and by progressive measures work to secure their universal and effective recognition and observance, both among the peoples of Member States themselves and among the peoples of territories under their jurisdiction.

Article 1: All law students are born free and equal in dignity and rights, regardless of class ranking. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of cooperation and brotherhood/sisterhood.

Article 2: All law students are entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as mode of transportation, favorite sports team, political preference, class contributions (or lack thereof), time spent doing assigned reading (or lack thereof), lack of humor, examination performance, or other status.

Article 3: All law students have the right to at least 8 hours of sleep a night, while still maintaining their desired level of athletic/recreational/social activities, year-around.

Article 4: No law student shall be forced to slave away and read boring archaic, poorly-written cases.

Article 5: No law student shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment, such as being asked to recite the facts of case when the student is unprepared.

Article 6: Every law student has the right to recognition as being in the top 1 percent of their class, regardless if the entire rest of the class is also in the top 1 percent.

Article 7: No law student shall be subjected to arbitrary selection for class participation, such as being called upon for case recitation because he/she walked into class late.

Article 8: Every law student is entitled in full equality to a reliable wireless connection year-around.

Article 9: No law student shall be so inconsiderate as to talk loudly or on cellular telephones in quiet areas of the library. No law student shall be so inconsiderate as to consume food in the library.

Article 10: No law student shall be forced to pay for over-priced cafeteria food on campus. All campus vending machines shall be kept well-stocked at all times with a reasonable assortment of food and be sold at cost. The vending machines, at a minimum, shall always carry Almond Joys, peanuts, and vegetarian food offerings.

Article 11: All law students have the right to a healthy financial condition, including the right to attend law school without incurring large amounts of debt.

Article 12: All law students are entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized.

Article 13: The present Convention is open for signature by any Law Student, Law Professor, or University. The present Convention is subject to ratification.

Article 14: The provisions of the present Convention shall extend to all universities without any limitations or exceptions.

Article 15: Any Party to the present Convention may propose an amendment and file it with the student bar association (SBA). The Secretary-General of the SBA shall then communicate any proposed amendments to the Parties to the present Convention with a request that they notify him/her whether they support the proposals. Amendments shall come into force when they have been approved by a 51 percent majority of Parties. When amendments come into force, they shall be binding on those Parties which have accepted them, other Parties still being bound by the provisions of the present Convention and any earlier amendment which they have accepted.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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