Written by Guy Bellefonte
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Friday, 27 August 2010

image for Last American Optimist Finally Defeated
What the hell happened to me?

Jennifer Doogan had always looked at the glass as being half full, even in the most dire situation. Wednesday's events show that even the most positive people have a breaking point. Ladies and Gentlemen, America has officially eliminated the last ounce of optimism in this country.

When Ms. Doogan was let go from her job two years ago, she put on a happy face and began a vigorous campaign of networking and resume submissions. This went on for over a year and she still spouted phases like, "At least I have my health" and "Today is a new day."

Her Tony Robbins books had been dog eared and highlighted, her self help tapes were practically memorized, but the universe was about to raise it's giant middle finger again.

After finally landing a job which paid about 1/3 of her old salary, Jennifer thought her positive thoughts had paid off. "I knew things would turn my way if I just thought happy thoughts and followed the secret," she reminded herself. Then, life threw out another kick to the nuts.

After just two months of employment, her new company announced they were laying off staff. Their protocol is last hired, first fired. Unfortunately upbeat Jennifer was on that short list.

Jennifer recalled her reaction when she was given the news. "I usually try to stay upbeat, but SCREW IT! I've lived the unemployed life and it fucking blows. You can't send me back you selfish pricks!" she barked at the human resource director.

Her efforts were for not and Jennifer is back in the unemployment line again, this time with a broken spirit and a pissed off lease on life.

It's been over two years since optimism has been on the hot seat and today it has officially been defeated.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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