Long thought to be different names for the same eternal and fiery destination, Florida pornography producer, polygamist and convicted drug smuggler, Bernie Smurphwank says "not so". During a recent golf event, Smurphwank was struck by lightning on the course and was revived by paramedics only to tell stories of two separate suburbs of hell.
"Its like Minneapolis/St. Paul or Bloomington/Normal or Detroit and Grosse Pointe. There's a good side, and then there's a much better side", says Smurphwank. Unconscious for more than 7 minutes, Smurphwank apparently had the full tour of both neighborhoods by the devil himself and noticed a distinct difference on the Hades side of the Lava river. "I mean, don't get me wrong, its still hotter than a sweat covered Jessica Alba that you can't touch down there, but the Hades side of the Lava River seems to host a better class of people."
Smurphwank mentioned bumping into Farrah Fawcett and David Carradine on his tour, and seeing property available in their neighborhood. "If you gotta go, and you're headed south, Hades is the place to shop for real estate, especially if you've got a sexually promiscuous past. Besides, I still have my Farrah poster from 1976 hanging in my closet. I'm a big fan."
Hell, according to Smurphwank, seems to be like the Oakland side of the bridge when compared to San Francisco. "Hell is for gang bangers, common thugs and murderers. I'd rather hang out with people who have only broken the 7th and 10th commandments, if you know what I mean". Smurphwank followed up that statement by adding, "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge".