The continental United States will experience a comparatively quiet weekend as trailer parks and lower class suburbs empty of their denizens who are trekking to Washington D.C. for Glenn Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally. All 50 states anticipate a plunge in alcohol-fueled violence, domestic disputes and gunfire as well as severe drops in methamphetamine production and consumption.
Glenn Beck said, "I look forward to this rally on Sunday where I can come face to face with America's most upstanding, hardworking, productive citizens." These upstanding citizens include Elmer Jones of Texarkana, TX. "I'm a-comin' ta hear what all Mr. Beck's got ta say about restorin' Christian values. This here country is goin' down the toilet cuzza them libruls wantin' gay marriage and such." Jones' commitment to moral values and Christianity was only recently renewed during a stint in prison for severely beating his 7-year old stepdaugther when she refused his sexual advances.
Darryl Flynt, of Dubuque, IA, plans to attend the rally and find out what he can do to restore the work ethic to America's youth. "These kids today don't want to work," Flynt said between swigs of gin he pays for with his Social Security disability checks. "When I was their age I worked 16 hours a day, seven days a week. 'Course now I cain't hardly move, what with the way I injured my back at the slaughterhouse in 2002. And that reminds me, that damn Obama better keep his socialist hands off'n my disability!"
Much anticipated is guest speaker Sarah Palin. Palin who spends a majority of her time at speaking engagements and away from her family, will call for a return to the tradition of stay-at-home motherhood. Palin adds excitement to the program because she is known for agreeing to appear at events only to bail out when a more lucrative offer comes along. If she does show, many are hoping she'll complete her remarks and not quit halfway through.
Some Beck fans, however, will stay behind. "It sure is quiet here this weekend," said Wilma Howerth of Salinas, KS as she surveyed the nearly empty trailer park she calls home. "It's so weird not hearing the screams of my neighbors kids as their drunken fathers beat them and their mothers or the gunfire when someone's had too much to drink or the sound of the police sirens 7 or 8 times a night. Shucks, maybe I'll read Mr. Beck's book afore I go to sleep tonight. Well, I would if I could read."