WASHINGTON, DC-- In an attempt to guarantee equal opportunities for each and every one of its citizens, regardless of age, race, socioeconomic status, intelligence, attractiveness or ability, the Bush administration is about to release the details of a striking, new government initiative designed to level the playing field for all US citizens.
Known simply as the "Brick, Bag and Brain Ballast Plan", the new program will take an innovative new approach to minimizing the unfair advantage that some US citizen's have over their fellow countrymen.
At a recent press conference, president Bush outlined the basic philosophy behind the plan. He explained, "Contrary to our cherished 'Declination of Incontinence' all Americans are not created equal. Some of them are smarterer. Some of them are better looking. Some of them are in more better shape. And while this might be all right when it comes to Hollywood celibacies and politicians, it will never do for the rest of you Johnny six packs. It will just lead to unhappiness and discontent".
Referring to his Hilroy scribbler the president continued, "Because of this starched fact, our great nation is facing one of its darned biggerest challenges ever. Before we can take equivalium to the rest of the world, we will firstly have to whip us up a big batch of it right here at home".
When asked by Emma Wroids, attractive young reporter for Air America Radio, just how the president planned on bringing true equality to the American people, the president responded by using her as a specific example.
With an imperceptible twitch, the president began, "You are a perfect illustration of what's amissiphicated with America. Do you think it's fair that I'm answering your question just because you're literate and rather attractive? How fair do you figure Ms. Flabby Butt over in the corner thinks it is? Is it fair that you could have your pick of any man in this room and she'd be hard pressed to buy a "date" down in bum town. Is it fair that Laura will give me the cold soldier for a week for just looking your way"?
"Why keep throwing nickels at programs like 'No Child Left Behind', when aside from the factoid it would be a gross misapprehension of funds better spent digging graves for the mud people, at best all it will accomplish is the cremation of more and more left wing homersexuals and intellectualites?"
Crossing himself the president continued, "Our new plan resolves around the introdoctrination of three easy thingamadandies. First, to evacuate the differences brought about by physical fitness, each and every citizen will be required to wear a customized hump and gut piece of a predeterminated size and weight. Second, to countermandate the advantages brought about by physical attractivity, each citizen will be required to wear a burlap burka. And finally, to counteractivate advantages brought about by higher education and general intectual capacitiloraries, each and every citizen will be required to wear a helmet equipped with speakers designed to play predetermined sound effects at a predeterminated mind numbling volume."
The president went on to add, "While it may be necessary to suplimicate the confusion factor by introducing certain blue state citizens to barbiturates, in addition to the helmet, we don't anticiporate having to use drugs in the red states, because of the already over abundance of natural intellectual impairments endemic in the population".
The president concluded by saying, "It makes no fiscal sense to try and teach everybody to jump higher, when it's just so much easier to just lower the bar. Take it from me. I know from personal experience. It's much easier to drop the ball, than it is to throw a touchdown".