Politico is reporting a new survey that indicates the bed bug epidemic in the US is tied to the sudden surge in Republican Party voter registration. Claims that it is a random statistic and that the two facts have nothing to do with each other, has been disproved by a USA/Gallup poll just released. "It could not be a random fact," says a spokesman for USA. "The surge in bed bugs matched too closely with the statistics in areas that have a surge in the GOP voter registration statistics. This is NOT a coincidence."
Michael Steele, chairman of the GOP responded to the report angrily. "This is NOT about bed bugs," he said. "This is about the professional left media one more time, trying to besmirch the Republican Party." Steele then went on and put his foot in his mouth. "Of course, there may be some bed bugs in our party. This is a big tent party and we have something of everything. The other side has bed bugs, but, their bed bugs probably come from a rug on a dirt floor in a tent, in a cave, in Pakistan. Some of our bed bugs come from the Mayflower, the hotel, not the ship, right here in DC. Big difference! Some of my best friends are bed bugs!"
Tim Kaine, Chairman of the DNC replied immediately in dueling press conferences. "One more time, Michael Steele is playing with the truth. OF course, everyone has a few bed bugs, but have you ever been to a GOP rally? When the bright lights go on, most of them in the room disappear in a flash. And everyone knows that Congressman Vitter brought up bed bugs from a brothel in New Orleans and left more than a few with the DC Madam.
A reporter caught up with Senator John McCain on the Capitol steps. "Senator, what do you think of this bed bug story? Reports say that Phoenix and Tucson have a huge infestation?" McCain replied: "First of all I would NOT call it an infestation. These are good folks. They were some of my best friends when I was at the Hanoi Hilton. You know I was a prisoner of war and a decorated war hero, don't you? Anyway, bed bugs saved my life and my sanity. They were my only friends as I lay there defying the enemy. In fact,I organized them and we had what you might call, a little Bed Bug Circus. They marched in straight lines and even saluted like little soldiers. They will make great Republicans. I will trade a couple of hundred thousand of them any day compared to Mexicans! I'm a genuine American war hero you know!"
In related news, a spokesman for Bed Bugs of America (BBA) issued a statement: "President Barack Obama is definitely a Muslim," he stated. "I have a second cousin who lives in his prayer rug!"