HOG JAW, Arkansas - A particularly mammoth species of bedbugs that have been populating New York City for months now has found its way to the businesses and homes of Hog Jaw, Arkansas. While no one is sure who is responsible for bringing the bedbugs to this small town, all eyes are on Malverna C. Charpa, one of the only townsfolk who regularly travels between Hog Jaw and NYC for purposes of visiting her talent agent.
Malverna was in town recently to brush up on her dancing skills at Edna Farkle's Arthur Murray Dance Studios to prepare for her upcoming role in the next High School Musical. Unfortunately, Edna's dance studio was hit pretty hard by the bedbug invasion. "A few days after Malverna first came to our studio, we noticed Shirley Hiccum's tiny tot ballerina class just a itchin' an' a scratchin' to beat all," said Edna. "We checked the yung'ns out and shore 'nuff they had big ole welts all over their bodies. It looked like we'd took 'em out to the red ant piles and just covered 'em in red ants."
Edna's isn't the only business that has been hit with the bedbugs. While in town, Malverna took a room over at the Pissgums Fish Camp, Souvenier Shack and Motor Lodge. "If you think bedbugs is bed hoppers, you ain't seen ole Malverna in action. Her motel room was busier than Gleason's Bait Shop when the muskies are runnin'" said Ed Earl Pissgum.
When Malverna caught wind that everyone was sayin' she was spreading the bedbugs, she got madder'n a martin down Fr. Francois DuBois' pantleg and reminded everyone that just a week before she blew into town, another of Hog Jaw's illustrious citizens had also spent some time at the Fish Camp. "In case you don't remember," said Malverna, "Lube Lautner came back to see his pappy before heading over to India to work on another one o' them Bollywood movies featuring him as a rajer or somethin' like that. Why ain't no one checkin' his drawers to see what he brung with him from New York City?"
Meanwhile, Cooter Walnut was arrested for disturbing the peace and destroying someone else's property when he woke up in the middle of the night in his rented room over at Marley Mae's Boarding House crawling with bedbugs. It's reported that he took out his pistol and started shooting at the bed tryin' to kill the bedbugs and ended up doing a mess of damage. One of the bullets went through the wall and into the room that Bubba Joe McKinney was renting and missed his head by inches. It was only by the grace of God that Bubba was bending down scratching his ass from bedbug bites that his head wasn't blown clean off.
Long-time Hog Jaw resident and exterminator, Carl Spackler, has been contracted to try and eradicate the bedbugs in Hog Jaw, but he claims it won't be an easy task. "We may have to have everyone in town strip down to their birthday suits, burn all the clothing and bedding, and then start from the ground up again." Miss Eula Ramer, longtime girlfriend of Spackler claims he only said that cause he's always wantin' to see folks naked. "He's a real Francois DuBois, that Carl is."