HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- Stan Stilldamnya, Hog Jaw, Arkansas' answer to the legendary Reg Mellior, former world record holder in Ferret Legging, issued a sharp challenge to the All-England, Scotland and Wales Ferret Leggin "pansies."
"Ain't been a man-jack one of ye who could take ole Reg's place in the heart of American ferret leggers," he told a packed trailer outside the city limits of Hog Jaw, Arkansas.
"Now thet dem damned wumins have made us give up cock fightin, we just gonna have to resort to ferret leggin to get our jollies," he said.
Yes, ferret leggin is a real sport, despite the fact that some internet sites call it an "urban legend." The sport is centuries old in Merry Ole England, and came about in the days when ferrets were kept in hunter's pants in order to hide them from the law in the Crown Hunting areas.
Ferret leggin is a championship sport enjoyed by thousands in Richmond, Virgina each year.
"We just do it for fun, here in America," said last year's ferret leggin runner up, Slim Chance. "And instead of ferrets, which is illegal in Arkansas, a poultry producing state, we now used martins (see photograph). They's ten pound heavier than them puny ferrets."
The rules for ferret-or martin-leggin, as adopted by the International Dumb Ass Sports Association (IDASA), are simple:
01. Ferrets/martins must not have had teeth filed down or removed.
02. Ferret/martin leggers must wear no underwear or any other barrier beneath their loose fitting trousers which must be taped off at the ankles and belted securely to prevent the critters escaping.
03. Neither ferret/martin nor legger may be drunk or drugged.
04. Women may not participate because they have no shwangslemerss.
05. Sticking the ferret/martin up one's anus (as Reg did just before his fatal encounter with Ragged Teeth, the ferret what got him) is no longer permissible.
06. Ferrets must be slapped around and really pissed off prior to putting them down. A legger need not slap the martin, as they kill just for kicks anyway!
British spoofer, and Sports Writer, Skob1999, invited the Hog Jaw, Arkansas "leggers' to "put em down like the men you ain't on the Isle of Wight, now home to the All England, Scotland and Wales Ferret Leggers."
Like everything else, of note, in America, we invented ferret leggin; we are the best there is at it, too," said the detoxing Skoob.
One anonymous philanthropist has generously placed a 100,000 quid prize to be paid to the winner of the international ferret leggin contest. He added an additional 5000 quid to any "Inbred, chickens screwin, sister luvin, 'Merican legger who can simply find the Isle of Wight on a World Atlas."
He thinks his money's safe.