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Friday, 20 August 2010

image for Vampire Obama Sucks Glenn Beck's Blood
Barack Hussein Obama

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut -- Officials are baffled by startling images that appear to confirm Glenn Beck's theory that President Obama is in fact a bloodsucking vampire.

According to a statement released by the Fairfield County Sheriff's Department, Beck's wife Tania alerted authorities immediately upon waking at 5:41 a.m. to find her husband completely exsanguinated.

Surveillance video footage retrieved from the couple's $4.2 million dollar home shows a common Desmodus rotundus entering the property Thursday evening just after midnight. The bat has large distinctive ears, burnt-amber colored fur on its backside, and bears presidential insignia on the velvety fur of its underbelly.

Though the footage is damning, authorities stressed that it is too early to tell if President Obama is actually a vampire.

"Right now," said Sheriff Marshal Blumenthal, "we're not even sure how to approach the case. We were going to go with 'attempted homicide,' but obviously, you can see how attempts to pass along immortality could potentially blur the lines here. Not only that, but we don't have any legal precedents to deal with issues that arise when a vampire assumes mental control over someone."

Pathologists and anthropologists will attempt to use DNA testing to determine the true origin of the two small puncture wounds in the neck of the fear mongerer.

Meanwhile, Beck curiously appears to have made a full recovery. He was last seen on Foxx News being dragged away from his blackboard, covered in chalk dust and ranting about the virtues of socialism.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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