Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 20 August 2010

image for Hog Jaw Hog Calling Champion Trademarks "Sooooey" Call
Two of Thickley's hogs.

Thought to be an open source and common calling technique for farmers across America, the legendary "Sooooey Pig Pig Pig" call was finally trademarked by regional hog calling champion, Emmett Thickley.

The only man in Arkansas without opposable thumbs or a self gratifying sex life, Thickley took some advice from a friend after the 2009 hog calling championship, and filed the trademark application. "I needed somebody to help me sign 'em forms though", said Thickly, pointing to the botched farm surgery on both thumbs. "My buddy Cooter did a pretty good job with my mama's sewing kit, but he put the damn things on the wrong way".

Answering questions about the trademark and his digits, and sounding a bit like former president Richard Nixon in the process albeit with a southern twang, Thickley responded, "Well, let me say this about that… I guess Cooter still felt bad about his crappy sewing and suggested I file a trademark on the call to maybe make a few extra bucks when it gets used. As for my thumbs, well, never stick your hands too far into that feeding pen when the pigs are hungry, boy I'll tell you what". Thickley obviously got even, retrieving his thumbs and serving ham for dinner that same evening.

Apparently nobody else thinking to do it first, the call was approved by the U.S. Office of Patents and Trademarks. "Now I get a royalty whenever somebody uses that call. Pretty soon I can get my thumbs fixed and get back to havin' a bedtime social life", says Thickley. Asked how he would enforce the trademark, Thickley first asked for someone to explain what "enforce" meant, then responded, "I guess you got a point there. I guess I'd have to catch 'em doing it and stop by for a couple of bucks. That ain't gonna work. DAMNIT COOTER", Thickly yelled.

In a related story and thanks to the publicity surrounding his "Sooooey" trademark, Thickley was employed as a novelty hand model for Burger Queen's new Bacon Egg and Cheese breakfast sandwich. Thickley can be seen at the end of the commercial, in a plaid shirt, John Deere cap, showing an assertive, but strange "thumbs up". He was not able to hold the sandwich.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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