HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- Twelve Hog Jaw residents were hospitalized this evening after a riot broke out in Reverend Jimmy Braggart's court ordered Anger Management Class at the Possum Snout High School Auditorium.
Reverend Braggart, the moderator of the class, lost three teeth, from a denture, when Billy Ray Pyrus accused the pastor of "inappropriately touching (his daughter) Easy Pyrus, out back of the church following choir practice."
All of the men attending the court ordered Anger Management class, including Billy Ray, sided with Reverend Braggart regarding the fact that it was impossible to inappropriately touch Easy, who had carnal relations with everyone in the group just prior to the class this evening. The fighting came after Shemp Gordon said that Billy Ray could pay his mortgage if he made Easy charge for her favors.
Gordon, Hog Jaw's only banker, told the group that Pyrus hadn't paid his mortgage for nearly a year and was a "dead beat."
Pyrus said, "I ain't no beat nick you communist pig farming, chicken screwing, in-bred, back stabbing, deer poachin …"
"And Shemp then threw the first chair which hit Reverend Braggart square in the mouth, breaking his dentures," according to the police report.
Evidentially, calling a neighbor a "deer poacher" is grounds for a melee in Hog Jaw, as are are the labels "Presbyterian, Methodist, Republican, Libertarian, or Faggot," and a holy host of other terms.
A general riot broke out due to "boredom in the class," said one of the injured, Thomas Jefferson Davis IV, from his hospital room.
Eight other group members were hospitalized for treatment of STD's contracted from Easy Pyrus, also known as Smiley Pyrus.