The annual Hog Jaw Cross Burning scheduled tomorrow at the river levee has been cancelled for multiple reasons. No date has been set for the re-scheduling of the event, but it will be reported as soon as we know something.
Laverne Deacon, wife of Grand Wizard Deacon Deacon, said that her husband postponed the popular event for a couple of reasons. "We heard that we're supposed to get a bunch of wind and rain tomorrow night. It's really hard to get a good cross burning in the wind or the rain, but combine 'em and it's just hell on earth. Even if we soaked the wood in gasoline or the Moose Jackson's corn liquor, we couldn't light them suckers on fire."
"I know they are only reporting 20% chance of rain, but Esther Sacktree says her bunions are bothering her and Tom at the feed store says his stump is swollen, and we both know how accurate they are. Double confirmation is good enough for us."
In addition, Edna Thorp down at the laundromat says that the belt broke on the dryer and "we ain't never gonna get all these sheets cleaned in time for everybody. My back room looks like morning at a cheap motel with all the linen stacked up everywhere."
One local resident asked if the event could be moved inside, but Laverne said that Deacon didn't want to do this. "The last time we tried, we almost burned down the gym at the high school."
The cancellation of the cross burning brought tears of regret to a few local citizens. The Pissgums twins, for example, were upset that they wouldn't be able to defend their championship in the three legged race. Elvira Bradshaw was upset that she couldn't enter her famous pickles in the judging and earn her 15th consecutive blue ribbon. Moose Jackson was upset because "I can usually move a whole trunk full of moonshine at the cross burning. That always seems to make a man thirsty."