HOG JAW, Arkansas - Mildred Perkins was told to take her zucchinis and go home Sunday after several members of the church complained to Pastor "Bud" P. Pickens that they appeared to be obscene. Mildred claims she didn't really do anything special this year for the zucchinis to grow as large as they did except to feed them some extra plant food she bought down at Vern's Nursery and Pond Emporium.
Shirley Ugest claims she was walking down the row looking for some radishes for her famous radish and pepper piccalilli when she happened upon Mildred's giant zucchinis. "I was just flabbergasted," said Shirley. "I thought, oh my Lord in heaven, them giant zucchinis looked just like my Wilbert's pecker only a hunnert times bigger." Shirley says she confronted Mildred about the shape and size of the zucchinis but Mildred was only interested in selling the vegetables, as she had her eye on a new housedress down at the Hog Jaw Five and Dime Store.
"That Mildred wouldn't know a giant pecker if it smacked her in the face," said Shirley, referring obviously to the stories floating around town about Mildred's husband, Gene Perkins. Even though his affair with Sally Caldwell died down years ago, people still talk about how Sally started calling Gene Gherkin Perkins after he decided to cut off the affair and head on back home to Mildred.
While Mildred packed up her obscene zucchinis, Shirley pretended to be eyeing some nice peppers grown by the town's only Mexicans, the Gonzalezeses, which, although looking to Shirley to be every bit as obscene as the zucchinis, only on a smaller scale, decided she wasn't about to get into it with Juan Gonzalez because quite frankly, he scared the hell out of her. She ended up picking out a peck of Juan's peppers for her piccalilli.