HOG JAW, ARKANAS (ABSNN) -- Hee Haw Heavyweight, Junior Samples, will be the Master of Ceremonies at this years World Championship of Hog Callers to be held during Hog Jaw Festival Days this coming Labor Day weekend. Junior is a favorite among the hog calling crowd despite the fact he remains dead, in a burying ground, in north Georgia.
"We're so pleased we could get Mr. Samples, Junior, to come to our fine town," said Deputy Mayor, Coroner, Medical Examiner (but not an abortionist; we fear God down here), Rand Pawl, a distant fifth cousin of Kentucky Senatorial candidate, Rand Paul. "So many towns with much more funding for festivals wanted Junior, but he choose us," said Pawl, which is all the more remarkable because Samples remains dead, in a burying ground, in north Georgia.
Hog calling goes way back in Hog Jaw, which was settled in the mid 18th Century by inbred Kentuckians who were forced to leave by the then Big Daddy of Kentucky, and former Mayor of Charleston, Virginia (now WV), Daniel Boone.
Pawl explains: "See, thar waren't many wumin in this here area back in the 1700's cause, no woman worth a damn would walk this far to sleep with an ignorant Razorback. On the other hand, them Kentucky gals had to tend the hogs back then, and would gitt a lickin from thar daddies if'n they lost a hog, so we come up with the idee of making hog noises when them gals was out looking for therin.
"Hell, them gals come waltzin through the oak trees and blackberry bushes expecting to find a pig. What they found was a big old Razorback man carryin a gunny sack and a big hickory stick. The old boy's bop the gal in the haid, stuff her in the sack, and head on back home with his catch," Pawl explained.
"In no time 'tall, we-uns got so good at hog callin, we had all the pigs fer miles around and it was a-getting tougher and tougher to call em in. So, we just did whut we done to get the gals, we started a-callin boars and them sows by hollerin louder than be-Jesus. Aftern a while, we had all the hogs and wumin we needed (cuz them wumins breed like rabbits if ya feed em grits and pinto beans) so's we jest kept at it as a sport," he finished, thank God.
Billy Porterwaggoner, Hog Jaw's only high school graduate in the last twenty-two years, and therefore the auditor of Hog Jaw, guessed there would "be nigh onto fiddy folks in the contest, and that'd raise round-bouts $22.00, which will be used to assist poor, homeless, black people to git outta town."
Asked by reporters just how many poor, homeless, black people lived in Hog Jaw, Porterwaggoner answered, "bout 30-40, no more." Reporters were skeptical that $22.00 would assist that many people to get transportation out of town on the weekly Mad Dog Bus, but Porterwaggoner explained, "We ain't a-gonna buy em bus tickets. We a-gonna buy shotgun shells over at the Southern States Hardware, Tanning Center and Airport. We kin buy nigh on three boxes with twenty-five double aught buck shot each. Hell, that'd be nearing to seventy-five rounds. Don't usually have to wing them negro folks more'n once or twiced fer they up and leave of they own accord."
The World Championship Hog Calling event, followed by the shotgun shoot will begin promptly at noon. An invitation was made to President Obama to come and join the fun, but the President decided to send Secretary of State Clinton in his stead.
Reporters asked the president how he thought Mrs. Clinton would do back in her home state of Arkansas, and he replied, "I hope badly. Maybe they'll miss an African-american and hit her broad ass instead. I don't need her running against me come the primary elections."