CRAWFORD, TX -- Part-time, under-employed village idiot, Fester McWilly, recently applied to the Texas secretary of education for funds to help him upgrade his job skills. Mr. McWilly a card carrying member of the International Brotherhood of Dolts, Idiots and Morons, Local 619, was transferred from Local 916 in 2000 to participate in a job sharing program with president G.W. Bush.
Because of the president's busy schedule and heavy responsibilities in Washington, Bush found that he was no longer able to continue to give the citizens of Crawford and district the type of erratic, eye rolling, head scratching, stupidity that they deserved and had come to expect. In a deal brokered by union president Rush Limbaugh, Washington president Anne Coulter and local D.I.M. president George Bush Sr., a rotating schedule of buffoonery was devised for president Bush.
Union representatives admit that McWilly was chosen as Bush's Crawford surrogate primarily because of his uncanny resemblance to the president. But, they
also went on to say his inability to distinguish shit from shinola and his ability to be completely incoherent in both English and Spanish weighed heavily in his favor, when it came time to make the final decision. That combined with McWilly's absolute lack of common sense, tact and his deep seated passive aggressive tendencies made him the perfect candidate to fill the president Bush's big floppy boots.
In an attempt to save tax payer dollars, it was decided not to hire a full time proxy pinhead for the capital, but rather to rely on employing celebrity guest simpletons and mental defectives, of which Washington has many in great abundance.
In a recent interview with McWilly, conducted in the back seat of a burnt out Camero on the outskirts of bum town, he explained how his brush with greatness has given him the drive to want to better himself.
Through the stubble and the spittle, Fester explains, "Sure I look up to president Bush, name me one card carrying dolt or chuckle head who doesn't. Do you think mincing and swaggering at the same time is easy? Do you have any idea how hard it is to convince the world that a Yale graduate can't find his ass with both hands, or that Saddam and Osama are one in the same person? That takes a real special kind of stupid. That's real red state ridiculous. That's Texas thick."
While brushing a tear from his eye, a booger from his nose and a crumb from his chin, McWilly went on to declare that if occupational funding does become available, he plans to use some of it to buy his way into the national guard and the rest to fund a border line degree at some Ivy League college. "No use tampering with success."
McWilly concluded by saying, "I know I'll never be as completely obtuse as president Bush, but with a little help I plan to try and become a true full fledged, dull witted Texan. A man with a ten gallon hat and a shot glass mind, just like our commander and chief. "