Nashville, TN, July 10, 2003 - Former vice president Al Gore announced plans today to abandon his bid for the nation's top office. Instead, he has been elected president of Alticor, Inc. (formerly Amway Corp.) based in Ada, Michigan.
"We're happy to have him on board," said incumbent president Dick DeVos, who will vacate his position tomorrow to make room for the pseudo-ex-president-elect Gore.
"None of our nation's elderly deserves the burden of the high cost of quality home cleaning products. I vow to make them affordable, accessible and free of bureaucratic red tape," Gore stated in a recent interview.
He promised investors that he would keep a small portion of FY2002's $4.5 billion in revenues reserved in a lock box, safe from the effects of recent drastic market fluctuations.
"I will endeavor to invent new cleaning solutions, new personal care products and a cure for that pesky glare of media spotlights, using state-of-the-art cosmetics of my own design.
"We will continue to build the Amway brand for future generations so that all American children will have a seat at the table of our prosperity and not be forced to stand in the back of the Alticor board room.
"Amway and Alticor will rise to the level of worldwide conglomerate under my tenure. I promise to grow this company to its fullest potential as I envisioned when I invented the principles of direct selling and first shared those concepts with Rich (DeVos) and Jay (Van Andel, the original founders of Amway).
Gore expects to establish residence next week in the west wing of Alticor's corporate headquarters situated on the mile-long Amway campus.
Gore concluded the press conference by moving toward Dick DeVos in an apparent attempt to strike him, then turned and planted a sustained, deep-tongued kiss on Alticor chairman Steve Van Andel.