Glen Coffee's stunned both 49ers fans and the Holy Trinity today when he retired at 23, saying that football was no longer his passion and "I've Already Told Christ It's Time to Go."
"Ok, sorry. I've been reading this Book all wrong," said Jesus of Nazareth, facetiously. "Christians, please open your Bibles and, wherever it says 'God' or "Christ', please cross out and replace with 'Former NFL Running Back Glen Coffee."
Jesus continued: "Let's start here; 'In the beginning, Former NFL Running Back Glen Coffee created the Heavens and the earth. Yeah, much better."
Coffee's retirement Friday caused a ton of speculation as to the reason? Had he failed a drug test? Was he butting heads with head coach Mike Singletary? Is he another on of those idiots who walk away from millions of dollars, only to regret it for the rest of their lives?
"how could the Shroud of Turin have been made by my face if the conventional depiction of me as a thin white man didn't become standard until the Middle Ages? Dolts."
"Actually when I look back I feel I never should have entered the draft in the first place," said Coffee. "Football was no longer my dream, but I still was a football player because it was expected of me, it was something I did all my life. I was basically wasting the 49ers time."
The 49ers tried to talk him out of retirement, which Coffee would not entertain, because he already put Heaven on notice.
"I've already told Christ it's time to go. I've already rung the bell. That's not going to happen," Coffee said.
"Looking... looking... Oh, here it is," said Jesus, still on a sarcastic rant." 'Christ, please be advised that I plan to retire from football. 229 yards in 3 seasons is more than enough.'
"I kid, I'm a kidder," concluded Jesus, "Glen only has 6 hours left for his degree in *giggle* consumer affairs, becauee that'll earn him as much as a career in the NFL. Still, I'll be happy to guide Glen in any endeavor..."
"... oh, wait. He tells me what to do. I forgot."