SantaMonicaLewinski, California; Thursday 21 April - (Rioters) Department of Homeland Insecurity investigators finally caught up with the world's ultimate chat show queen Oprah Winfrey today after US coast to coast allegations were published last week claiming that she is the blood mother of the impostor currently impersonating Motown crooner Michael Jackson.
Arriving at the SantaMonicaLewinski Federal Courthouse this morning to provide a DNA sample for prosecuting attorneys in the Jackson identity theft trial, Winfrey held up her hands and said: "It's affair cop".
Winfrey then broke down in tears as security staff repeatedly tried to frisk her and claimed it was all a big misunderstanding started by the Reverend Jerry Falwell: "He's my baby Emanuel and he won the Jackson lookalike contest way back in '82", she sobbed.
But she vehemently denied that her lad had had anything to do with the pesky trail of missing Weapons of Mess Destruction or that he had frequently invited Osama Bin Laden to his Neverneverland ranch.
"There's more chance of finding yellowcake uranium in the White House than there is of nailing this one on my boy", she sobbed.
"It's all a big right wing conspiracy theory started by that geriatric dodo Nancy Raygun after a mutual astrologer friend told her that Ronald would come to her in a dream last Christmas and reveal to her where he told Saddam to bury the fireworks".
"Now she and Poodle's stick insect witch JK Rowling are trying to smear me to up the Republicans' poll ratings and push the latest booksales of Harry Potter and the Tissue of Lies".
Worried courtroom staff then escorted Ms Winfrey to the municipal Green Room where Federal polygram encryption experts were waiting to wire her up to their ultimate iPod Truth Detector technology.
"You takin' the piss?" asked the outraged chat show diva as medical aides passed her a sample bottle. "I ain't drinkin' this stuff, it ain't on my Atkins list."
The results of the fluids sample test are expected later this week.
Meanwhile Jackson's defence attorney Tom Mess-Error has filed objections to this latest line of Federal questioning claiming it violates his human rights under the Geneva Convention.
"Our client strenuously denies these maternity allegations and will sue the shit out of anyone posting about them on the internet."