Falls Township, PA (BNSE): Court documents released today revealed starting accusations from a Philadelphia area stock broker's lawsuit against a nationally known erectile dysfunction clinic for their alleged amputation of both the plaintiff's legs in a botched attempt to make his penis appear larger.
In an early morning news conference, attorneys for the broker charged the clinic with the "reckless disregard for our client's health and safety" in what is described as "an act of wanton, near criminal malpractice." Lawyers were quick to add that their client, "Did not even need the services of the clinic," but was merely offering himself up as a "test subject of sort, so they could see what a real man looked like."
The plaintiff is asking for an undisclosed sum "of several million dollars" in punitive damages from the clinic. "That is really a small price to pay," added the attorney. "Considering our client was only visiting the erectile dysfunction clinic to check it out of a friend who is less well endowed than my client not just physically, but in terms of stamina and sexual technique." The attorney further classified the plaintiff's sexual prowess as "legendary" and claims the loss of his legs will not just severely limit his ability to enjoy his candy apple red, 16 cylinder with seven speed manual transmission, Bugatti Veyron 16.4 sports car, but will inflict "untold hardship on legions of young women who are just lining up to get with the plaintiff."
A spokesman for the erectile dysfunction clinic was quick to deny the stock broker's accusations, and classified the case as "frivolous." "While we agree the removal of a person's legs is not standard procedure in treating erectile dysfunction or penis enlargement, this procedure was executed at the explicit instruction of the patient. And, we have the contract to prove it," claimed the spokesman.
According the clinic's records, the plaintiff in the case was the subject of several rounds of erectile dysfunction and penis enlargement procedures at the clinic over an eight month period; all of which did not meet the patient's expectations.
"I can honestly say the initial results for this patient were nothing less than astounding, and consistent with the therapeutic outcomes that have satisfied thousands of our customers from around the country," stated the attending physician in the case. "Most men seeking our services just want to improve their sexual health and enhance their personal intimacy, this guy wanted us to mutate him into some kind of perverse pogo stick."
Finally, in desperation, and after several threats from the stock broker of legal action and warnings of "buying and selling your worthless asses in the Third World," the clinic allegedly offered to do whatever the client wanted in order to satisfy him. A copy of the actual contract between the broker and clinic shows the text of the document covered with a red "X", and "I want my p*cker to hit the floor" written diagonally across the page in large letters.
"Not only did we live up to the letter of our contract, in its entirety," claimed the spokesman. "According to our post operative records, the patient, against our instructions, impulsively jumped straight off the recovery bed and not only got his expressed wish, but the whole fruit bowl got a good splat on the tile at no additional charge."
In an exclusive interview, the injured stock broker, identifying himself only as "Karl," or "KaaaAAAAARRRL!!! as the ladies know him, the 5 foot, two inch, 230 pile "hunk of man meat," who, despite his injuries, can still bench press several hundred pounds, and is "twice the man" as this reporter, claimed he was asking nothing out of the ordinary from the clinic. "Everybody always says 'I can't do this, I can't do that,' when what they're really saying is 'I'm too stupid and lazy to do what I'm getting paid to do.' I heard the same thing when I got my hair transplant. "Blah, blah, blah,' they said. Now, look at me. Not only do I have a full head of hair, all my gold chains are highlighted by so much chest hair it looks like I'm descended from a grizzly, and my pubes are sculpted into the shape of a lightning bolt. Now, that's a company that cares about its customers."