WASHINGTON DC - At last the white smoke signal has been seen pouring out of the Capitol Building's chimney. This is the long awaited sign that a new President has been chosen and Donald Ratzenburger will be paraded to a waiting world. A gathering crowd will be introduced to Don by Billy Crystal, the host of this year's event.
Earlier in the day there was confusion when white smoke appeared but then it went black. It transpires that Colin (pronounced Coalin) Powell had washed his socks and vest and had put them close to the fire to dry and they fell in.
It has only taken three days to choose a new leader of the free world and comes only eleven days after Dubya was found buried up to his neck in sand 30 miles west of Baghdad.
The election of Donald Ratzenburger as the 256th President today was welcomed with respect and delight. As the white smoke plumed from the Capitol and the bells pealed across Washington there was ecstatic cheering from the crowds gathered outside.
Howie Green, news editor of the Presidential Herald, said: "He was the clear favourite and I am sure he will be a good President. Can't be any worse than the last one"
"He is a very clever man, a great intellect and was very, very close to Dubya. The one thing this Guy will represent is some normality."
Green said the new President Donald XVI would uphold the more conservative aspects of the United States and would maintain a strong line on the difficult and controversial issues - such as who to send to the United Nations, not Rambo as Dubya suggested.
He said before the vote he would keep the same team of idiots but gradually bring in his own people to strategic positions including Jerry Sparehammer as the first transsexual head of the CIA. He also promised to Nuke Korea, North or South, just Korea would be close enough. Iran will be spared "this time round"
He also has to build bridges with the center left by removing Monica Lewinsky as Secretary of State and replacing her with Hilary Clinton.