In order to protect the civilian population in Afghanistan, General Patreus has Re-issued American forces with paint ball guns. "I will not tolerate Civilian casualties," he was heard ranting and raving in his two thousand dollar a night condo. American soldiers are here to defeat the Taliban. It is their duty to die in combat rather than take the chance on hurting innocent civilians.
In a secret memo that was found on the table of a fancy restaurant after he left, it stated that he has sent a secret ambassador to the Taliban leaders with a request they also switch to paint ball guns. "We could all have a lot of fun." it said at the bottom of the note. He also asked that they replace roadside explosives with harmless paint bombs. "I give them my word that any US vehicle hit by these paint balls will be out. All servicemen in the vehicle will be sent home to their families. He also expects that any Taliban fighter struck by a paintball to also go home.
All US soldiers will also be issued loli-pops and required to hand them out to all civilian children not carrying a weapon. "WE must win their hearts and minds." The USO is being replaced by traveling Carnivals and all military insulations will be open to the civilians. We will give them free medical care! Some Afghanistan women are already taking advantage of the US generosity and are having breast implants put in. "It's the least we can do for these poor women. They too can live the American dream. Maybe with bigger breast, their husbands might stay home instead of going out to fight. We will see.