WASHINGTON DC (ABSNN) -- In a shocker of a press release, Seantor John McCain (R) AZ, revealed today that he and country music songbird Taylor Swift will marry this coming October, just prior to the Arizona election that will determine if McCain will retain his seat against the challenge of a Tea Party candidate.
"No one was more suprised than me," gushed Swift.
The May-December match was made behind closed doors in a deal struck between Swift's overly protective mother and McCain's soon to be ex-wife. It will be the third time McCain has left one of his wives for a younger, more attractive woman. The senator dumped his first wife after returning from the notorious Hanoi Hilton where he stayed throughout most of the Vietnam War.
President Barack Obama told a White House briefing this morning that, "This will definitely shut the old fucker up. And Taylor will undoubtedly remain a virgin, that is, if the silly twit is a virgin, because McCain's pecker is shorter than that British Spoofer Skoob1999's."
Asked about his nuptial plans, McCain would only say that he would be, "Waiting at Bethesda Naval Hospital the morning of the wedding for an industrial supply of Viagra, a penis pump, a Vitimin B-12 shot and other sundry supplies such as Depends Adult Diapers, a urinary catheter and a body double."
"I'm just so pleased he chose me," Swift said through her obnoxious, overly protective mother. "He could have had Sarah Palin but she's a no brainer."
"Maybe not, but she does have nice hooteroonies," said Nevada Senator Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader.
"Plans for McCain's funeral and a special election have already been made because some red-necked asshole is a-gonna shoot him for soiling that dove," said Ted Kennedy, who remains dead at Arlington.
More to come on the plans as we get them.