NEW YORK, NY-A new audio tape released yesterday by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden divulges that the planned Cordoba House Mosque in downtown Manhattan-a short distance from the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks-is the final cog in the international terrorist's plan to destroy America.
"In the name of Allah, most merciful and most beneficent, the goal for which the 19 brothers martyred themselves for is at last at reach: a mosque on Manhattan Island, the lair of the Zionist murders and their puppets."
The controversial mosque, which is set to be erected a mere 600 feet from Ground Zero, has been opposed by a majority of New Yorkers and Americans who feel that placing an Islamic house of worship within walking distance of the remains of a deadly terrorist act carried out by Muslims is insensitive. Some have even gone so far as to say that allowing the mosque to exist would be a moral victory for radical Islamists around the world. As the new bin Laden tape reveals, that is exactly what the hunted terrorist leader had been planning all along.
"We knew that the infidels would never allow a house of Allah on their soil," the enigmatic terrorist narrates on the tape. "So, with the teachings of His Prophet Mohammed (blessings and peace be upon him) as our guide, we endeavored to trick the Americans into allowing the soldiers of the Qur'an onto their soil."
"Only a tragedy on the greatest scale, along with the passage of time, could lower [the] Americans' defenses and allow a fortress of Islam to be built in their midst," continues the voice. "And so it pleased Allah that we would bring down the symbols of American oppression and power. Our brothers-in-arms on American soil would then seek to exploit the unholy tradition of freedom of religion to their advantage. After years of struggle, the Jews of New York City have lowered their defenses, Allah be praised. Not only will this new mosque serve as an outpost in the never-ending war to exterminate the enemies of Islam, it shall also stand as a testament to the weakness and futility of tolerance, understanding, and democracy."
The 53-year-old Wahhabist further explains that the mosque will be used a base for further Muslim terrorist attacks against the United States, all the while being protected by the "hellish doctrine of freedom."
"As I am the undisputed leader of all Muslims on earth, those who live and work in this holy temple will carry out my bidding and wreak havoc upon the imperialist Zionist Jews who deny the people of Palestine the right to a free state. Only when Israel has been destroyed and Sharia made the law of the land in the land of the infidels, will the American people ever know peace."
"Allah is great," the tape concludes.
Republican leaders say the tape vindicates their claims that the creation of the mosque would be nothing short of kneeling to radical Islam and dishonoring the memory of those who died in the attacks.
"This tape confirms what the GOP has been preaching up to this point," declared radio host Rush Limbaugh. "If this mosque gets built, 3,000 Americans will have died in vain."
"If this is not the proof that Americans need to wake up, I don't know what they will need," said former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. "Allowing this mosque to exist means the very end of America as we know it. [President] Obama may as well hand over the keys to the White House to the terrorists."
New York mayor Michael Bloomberg told reporters that in spite of the tape, his opinion on the mosque had not changed.
"Well, that's not a surprise, is it? Of course the mosque will be an outpost for al-Qaeda; that's what mosques are. Duh. And anyway, what do I care about the destruction of America? I'm a Democrat, remember? Democrats and Muslim terrorists is like *this*, son," crossing his index and middle finger together.
Conservatives remain adamantly opposed to the project.
"If America attempts to live by the words of the First Amendment," declared Glenn Beck during his morning radio program, "Then this country is finished."