Written by Albert Addlewit
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Wednesday, 4 August 2010

image for Senator John McCain Blasts Tax Money Spent Giving Cocaine to Monkeys

(Washington, DC) Republican Senators John McCain and Tom Coburn Released a report today titled "Summertime Blues." The report lists 100 projects funded under the $862 billion stimulus bill.

Senator McCain (R-AZ), who lost the presidential race to Barack Obama in 2008, called the projects examples of the governement's "waste and mismanagement" of taxpayer dollars.

Senator Coburn (R-OK) said that projects on the list were "stupid or inappropriate." Coburn claimed that the projects showed little evidence of being chosen in terms of giving Americans the "biggest bang for our bucks."

Senator McCain used one project - involving the administration of cocaine to monkeys - as an example of extravagance and waste. The project received $71,623 of federal money.

Conceding that it's important to better understand addiction to cocaine, Senator McCain highlighted how the same research could be done for less.

"Why are they buying monkeys, for crying out loud?" asked the Senator, to no one in particular. "They are expensive to buy, expensive to feed and care for - and that's not even considering the legal expenses for keeping the animal rights creeps off your back."

"There are plenty of cokeheads who would pay the researchers for the privilege of participating in this research. Not only would it reduce the expenses, they might actually make some money."

Asked to comment on Senator McCain's suggestions, Mark Renfrew, summer intern at the media relations office of Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, responded in a phone call.

"Well, I'm no expert or anything, but I think there are laws against giving cocaine to people, let alone people with drug problems. I'm also not an expert on ethics, but I don't think that it's considered ethical - or legal - to dissect the brains of human beings after they're finished with a drug study. That's what they do with the monkeys."

Senator McCain's office issued a short statement that says the Senator is looking into the feasibility of revising human subjects research regulations to make allowances for some exceptions in this regard.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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