This morning, Dr. Claude Pangloss, Senior White House Scientific Advisor, officially released two long awaited Whitepapers on the environment.
In the first report, titled "Where Did All The Oil Go;" a team of scientists, tenured bureaucrats, corporate spinmeisters and Tony "Let The Spinnaker Fly" Hayward revealed their findings that the Deepwater Horizon oil spill represents no more environmental hazard than a pod of Orcas with ferocious flatulence.
During his briefing to White House correspondents, Dr. Pangloss excruciatingly detailed the methodology of the report. "We employed state of the art technology, provided by BP, to evaluate the current amount of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico. We bottled water from the region and have been chilling it and serving it to Guantanamo residents, without any documented cases of illness. We also utilized deep diving marine mammals - Wally Walrus and Flipper - to reach the actual wellhead. In both cases, our surrogate researchers returned to the surface without any discernable oil coating...confirming our own suspicions that the oil has been hijacked and illegally harvested by operatives of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. We have coordinated a MasterCard billing to Chavez in the amount commensurate with filling up his tank with 5.2 billion barrels, with a twenty day Grace Period before interest accrues.
Dr. Pangloss then handed the briefing over to the author of the second Whitepaper, Dr. Armand Goebbels. Titled, "Misinformation and Urban Rumors Regarding the Hazards of Community Development at the Trinity Site in New Mexico, Yucca Flats, Three Mile Island, Love Canal and Chernobyl," Dr. Goebbels demystified the perceived inaccuracies associated with habitation in the aforementioned regions. "Our research established domiciles, tennis courts, massage parlors and Adult Video rental establishments in all five locales, utilizing captured illegal aliens and any Democrats holding Federal office that have been charged with ethics violations. Due to the overflow of study participants, we had to cap the number of Democrats. Following (12) months of residency and six unreturned copies of "Behind The Green Door," all participants were faring well. We calculated less than one tenth of one standard deviational unit rise in cancer when compared to a similar population of residents of Prince William Sound in Alaska and an additional control group from Nagasaki Japan."
White House Press Secretary, Robert "Way Too Glib" Gibbs, then took the rostrum to answer questions from the press corps. Retired senior White House correspondent Helen Thomas volunteered that she personally had information of two Democrats withholding videotape copies of the Marilyn Chambers classic.