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Tuesday, 3 August 2010

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Phoenix, AR: Joining a rising tide of protest boycotts of the state, leaders from several prominent Mexican drug gangs announced their intention to avoid doing business in Arizona until the State Legislature reverses its controversial new immigration law.

"We regret the impact this decision will have on our valued customers," said the spokesman for the group. "However, we simply cannot stand by and allow this patently illegal and un-Constitutional usurpation of Federal power to go unchallenged. It's bad for America, it's bad for Arizona, it's bad for business. And, to be blunt, it's bad for freedom. Hopefully, our move will inspire Arizona's drug addicted community to apply pressure on their elected representatives to end this short sighted legislation."

Methamphetamine and crack addicted activists expressed immediate concerns that drug users would have to make long commutes to neighboring states, and be forced to do business with more expensive American drug gangs or risk an onslaught of sudden sobriety. Speaking through an interpreter, one prominent drug user worried that in addition to the loss of his daily doses of black tar heroin, the market for the small electronic items, coats, hood ornaments, and change he pilfered from his neighbors' cars would dry up. The loss of this market could have far reaching unintended consequences for the Arizona economy in general, and even force the user to walk upstairs from is parent's basement in search of food. According the the user, "Uhhhh..."

Drug traffickers deflected criticisms that Mexican drug gangs are part of problem the motivated the Arizona legislature into passing its controversial immigration reform.

"The Mexican gangs are just doing a job Americans refuse to do," said King Jong Illin', a smack dealers from Flagstaff. "I've spray painted advertisements on every bridge, convenience store dumpster, and playground wall in the area and I still cannot find an American who wants to make the Nogales run with 15 kilos of PCP hidden in their colon.

"You'd think it would be easy to find a legal American who'd be willing to do an easy job like shove some small town mayor's head into a cooler full of gasoline and toss it into the local police station. But that's just not the case."

A proprietor of a small 'Mom and Pop' Oxycontin and child prostitution ring out of Tucson, Arizona, blames excessive government regulation on the growth of Mexican drug gangs. "I had some guy who owed me some money. So, I sent a few of my boys to his house to chop up his kids in front of him with a little hatchet. Next thing you know, Immigration shows up and demands to see the OSHA certification on the hatchet. I end up getting a hefty fine because my boys were not using protective eye wear or ear plugs and we just end up shooting the family to death. What kind of message does that send to my competition? I mean, how loud can a couple of kids scream?

"The Mexican gangs are the only way a small business owner can stay afloat. It's not like I'm a big corporation, bank, or politician. If I have to jump through a bunch of legal hoops every time I wanted to cut some deadbeat's tongue out I'd be out of business."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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