Written by Sean Fenley
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Monday, 2 August 2010

The BP oil corporation announced today that according to their scientists, engineers, and researchers - who apparently are smoking whatever their erstwhile "fearless" leader Hayward was imbibing - that fishies and birdies, and, indeed, all of God's creepy, crawly sea creations can make do and subsist quite nicely soaking, bathing, and going about their daily, day-to-day routines and activities in water thoroughly contaminated with oil. Though oil has been known exclusively, before the present, to be at least as harmful to wildlife as the toxic dispersant Corexit, which BP sprayed willy-nilly all throughout the sensitive region of the Gulf; BP told the media at a press conference/media event that they held earlier this morning, that their research was showing them some rather altogether different results. They said they had come to this, previously never before considered, and extraordinarily nebulous conclusion, by observing sea creatures in a simulated oceanic environment at their research facilities in the U.K.

"Just as we care about the small people, the fishies, birdies, the sea slitherers and the wiggly things of every variety are very important to our profit motives and our corporate charter too," said Hans Gustafson, spokesman for the corporation formerly known as British Petroleum - but now goes by just a single appellation, like a celebrated pop cultural luminary figure on the level of a Madonna, Cher, or Jewel. "Together BP, the small people, and the small wildlife; fishies and birdies, can collaborate together and make one big, happy, diverse multi-national corporate, limited liability institution," added Hans.

Gustafson furthered his comments, saying, "Just as the Shell Oil Company has forced the Nigerian people to eke out an existence with all kinds of oil infestation into their communities, natural environment and homes we hope to bring oil filled waters, to avian and aquatic habitats all throughout this world's virgin lakes and tributaries and other pristine, uncorrupted bodies of water. Today the Gulf of Mexico, tomorrow only God, our shareholders, and pure unadulterated sociopathic greed and self-interest can tell us where we're on to next!" Gustafson concluded his important "insights", stating, "Just as the Obama administration felt they had a boot on our neck early on in this process, we feel we have a boot on the neck of the small people, and as I said before, diminutive wildlife wherever they may persist and reside too."

The Obama government, was skeptical of BP's claims about birds and fishes and their capability to swim and play, and make do copacetically in oil; but said it didn't have the expertise to assess BP's claims at right just this very moment. They said the commission that they had appointed would wager an opinion on BP's findings months upon months from this story's dateline. They also pointed out that although a like-commission had been appointed for the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill in the 1980s, and it had been almost all but completely ignored; they said that because they had a change agent at the helm of their still fairly nascent administration - and because they'd be willing to work bipartisanly and extend a hand across the aisle - that things would be different this time around with this particular oil catastrophe.

Additionally, they requested that this news operation get back to them when we weren't having such nice and sunny and altogether pleasant summer temperatures; they said it would only be at that juncture, when they could invest the time and wherewithal and significant capabilities and resources into burdening themselves with troublesome circumstances that we are covering such as this. They said although running the United States Federal Government was a full-time, 365 day operation, it was humanly impossible to maintain the maximum vigilance that each and every one of those 24 hour periods requested.

BP seems to have not changed their handling of this dire catastrophe and unenviable situation, from the very first day that this news story garnered considerable national attention. They seem to be operating based upon a rock-solid trust in their inner circle, although they are producing information that is dubious at best, and unforeseen before by anyone else in the history of the known human universe - when they are having one of their absolutely, very worst days. The Obama administration seems to be willing to allow BP to move forward as they've been doing since the inception of the Gulf oil spill, and a light at the end of this tragic tunnel seems to be considerably elusive for anyone to sensibly, credibly, and reliably uncover.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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