Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: Dick Cheney, Earth

Sunday, 17 April 2005

image for Bush Gets Lay For Earth Day
Bush: "I earned some political garbage in this election and I intend to repay you!"

As expected, today President Bush appointed former Enron CEO Ken Lay as Chairman of national Earth Day activities. The details were worked out in a meeting of top energy advisors chaired by Dick Cheney, and of course these will never be disclosed. "Earth Day is an important holiday," Bush advised, "and picking a leader is complicated. If we told you how we did it, educated people would just bitch, and my supporters wouldn't understand."

"Ken had the best plan. I'd never have thought of holding a major celebration in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge. We're trucking tons of stuff up there right now. We'll be dancing on oil rigs. Good news, huh? But don't worry, we haven't forgot the other 47 states," Bush said. "I'm proud to announce that every wildlife refuge in the country will either get oil wells, refineries, or chemical plants. My motto is: Let No Duck Be Left."

Ken Lay then took the floor and continued: "Mr. President is correct. Ducks are a serious environmental problem, and only the innovation of free enterprise oil companies can come up with the solution. They fly around quacking everywhere, and do they ever crap on golf courses! They have fuzzy behinds and carry diseases like protein. Oil is the solution. You may have an oil slick in your drinking water, but there'll be no duck crap."

Lay will take part in the Earth Day ceremonies on the White House lawn, which will begin by a burning of the Endangered Species Act. "This is the way to help endangered species," Lay explained, "by not stigmatizing them with labels. How can a species recover when its told all its life that its endangered? Endangered species breed endangered species. We must stop this perpetuation of hopelessness. At least let the last ones die with dignity with no insulting labels!"

Bush then went on to unfold his vision of America's environmental future. "What with mission accomplished in Iraq, we can look forward to bringing Haliburton home. Vice-president Cheney was fortunate enough to secure a 10-year contract to guarantee their profits, uh, services, even after they return. Essentially, they'll be the new EPA. The only detail I'm still working is securing retiring International Paper CEO John Dillon as head of the US Forest Service."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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