Written by C. Cranium
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Topics: Theft, Art, flies, picasso

Saturday, 31 July 2010

image for Picassos stolen by Robotic Flies
Art thief and robot.

The Seattle Art Museum opened today with few patrons waiting at the doors, uneventful and relaxed. Josh Littlebear, reception desk guard, was hoping for more activity so the day went fast. Ten minutes later the front doors were jammed with two tour busloads of art lovers visiting from afar. As the Japanese visitors from the Flying Asian Tour Bus gathered, and the inner and outer entrance doors were wide open, curious and small flying things also entered, a few at a time, high above heads and unseen.

Next the Smorgasbord Tours Bus, mostly Scandinavians, further clogged the museums' entrance, and more of the small visitors entered without admission tickets. A man with a Smorgasbord Tours ID badge with the name Lars Pedersen, and continuously talking like the Swedish chef, said to the door guard, "You betcha, you got da fly problem." To which Littlebear, replied, "yes sir", but he really did not understand what Pederson meant by fly problem. Turning back around the guard saw that Pedersen, just another goofy visitor, had swept off with the crowd. After ten minutes the crowds were scattered, taking their tours, all with headphones in the language of their choice that prevented them from hearing a slight buzzing.

A thousand or so of the small visiting horse flies gathered on the ceiling, in a little visited ancient Asian art display room. And then when the tours had ended, and gawking over, the exit and gift store was packed, the flying visitors struck. Looking identical to horse flies to the victims, the tiny robots began biting and buzzing around, just like the real thing in a busy barn. Littlebear was distracted by at least a dozen of the biting pests. Security guards were the primary targets of the flies, because they are tasty, and that harassment meant that security was lax and bosses finally ordered the building evacuated.

After everyone had left the building, with exception of security, seven Picasso masterpieces, from the featured traveling show were missing. The flies were gone, exiting as they came in, in small numbers, above the heads of the museum visitors. How the art came to be missing is extremely mysterious as it was impeccably secure with double alarm systems and security cameras everywhere. The only evidence, luckily discovered by a foreign visitor, were two smashed flies caught in the revolving door. The flies weren't flies at all but tiny electronic circuits all twisted and frayed. When seen under a microscope the tiny parts have marks that say, "Quality part Made in Japan, not China".

The mystery of the missing Picassos was difficult to comprehend. How the heck did a bunch of flies make off with valuable art? During a brief interview Littlebear stated that he watched the security films many times and saw how distracted he was, and that the film was slightly out of focus. The Swedish Chef guy, Pedersen, could be seen leaving the building, stooped with awkward posture - one arm high and one low as if doing a mime of carrying an imaginary something.

As of this moment the Police aren't talking, 'no comment, Police Chief Chatham will give statement later this afternoon'. Through reliable sources the Chief will relate that the flies were only accomplishes, and the most likely ringleader is a Swede named Pedersen. A similar caper, committed in Belgium last year, was reported on the the Brussels Newspaper Le Chevre' who named the thief 'The Swedish Chef' because of his Swedish like mumblings. Pedersen, or is it the 'Swedish Chef'' appears in the outside security cameras, also blurry, walking fifteen yards right past the Smorgasbord Bus to another car. That getaway car appears to be a heavily urban-camouflaged Volvo station wagon with California plates to blurred to read.

The media is swarming like the flies and answers are hard to find. The Seattle Fish Wrap has called this the 'Art theft of the century'. The Seattle Angry Man Blog has termed the theft inconsequential, "big deal, Pisscassos were stolen".

The Swedish Chef is still at large as are the robotic horse flies. Museums and Art dealers are in fearful anticipation of another strike. Armchair scientists are busy trying to figure out what kind of force field or mirrors the Chef used to blind the security cameras. And how do you train horse flies?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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