Washington, DC-- The Federal Aviation Administration is currently undergoing negotiations with Frederick's of Hollywood, Victoria's Secret, Hanes and Stanfields to contract for the production of disposable skivvies to be worn on all flights over the continental USA.
Since the tragedy of 9/11, US domestic airlines have been attempting to introduce new safety measures to ensure the safety of air travel within the US. The F.A.A. has banned the carrying and transportation of anything that could possibly be considered a dangerous weapon. F.A.A. officials are concerned that the recent ban on all types of cigarette, pipe and cigar lighters does not go far enough to ensure the safety of all American air travelers.
Recent incidents involving shoe bombs, purse pyrotechnics and causal dress dynamite have led F.A.A. officials to consider making all air travelers strip down to their underwear before boarding US flights. In an attempt to further protect the public from bra, boxer and brief bombs the new regulations under consideration would require that all personal underwear be removed and replaced with state approved disposable paper undergarments.
In a recent press release, F.A.A. spokesman Albe Ceeingue stated, "A little personal modesty and privacy are small price to pay for air traffic security". He went on to say, "We are hoping that the new program will have the additional benefit of discouraging the morbidly obese from taking unnecessary flights. We are hoping, that to avoid embarrassment and unwanted stares, the more corpulent commuters will choose to take the bus, thus freeing up more space and increasing fuel economy."
Not wanting to deprive air travelers of their personal identities and fashion sense, several styles of undergarment are under consideration. Male air travelers will be offered a choice of y-fronts, bikinis or boxers. In addition to a wide range of available sizes and colors, the men will be allowed to choose from a variety of iron on decals or bummer stickers to help them retain and express their individuality.
One of the current iron on designs under consideration is a red, white and blue, stars and stripes motto, "America Love It Or Pucker Up & Kiss Me Here". Other motos and designs under consideration include, "No Parking In The Rear" and "For A Good Time Press/Pull This".
Female travelers will be allowed to select from a number a fashionable items of intimate apparel. Panties will be supplied in colorful prints and pastel shades in the form of full briefs, hip huggers, french cut, bikinis and thongs. It should be noted however, that thongs will only be permitted in first class. Bras will be supplied in all cup sizes and will be offered either plain or laced trimmed in traditional, sports and pushup styles. For the more modest of female travelers, camisoles and "Merry Widows" will be supplied for a small extra fee.
In addition all passengers will be allowed to purchase heavily tinted sun glasses if they so choose. First class passengers will be allowed the additional option of having access to spray bottles and flashlights at no additional charge.