Written by Gail Farrelly
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Topics: Toilet Paper, Newark

Sunday, 25 July 2010

image for Newark Nixes Toilet Paper in City Buildings
What's more valuable than diamonds in Newark, New Jersey?

Residents of Newark, New Jersey, were shocked this week when their mayor, Cory Booker, announced that, due to a budget crisis, toilet paper would no longer be supplied to city buildings. Uh-oh.

Entrepreneurial street vendors immediately ordered boxes and boxes of it to be added to the T-shirts, hats, and Newark souvenirs they routinely sell. "It's nice to be selling something of quality," one street vendor said. "Something that people actually need, as opposed to junk that they don't."

Many drug dealers have switched from selling cocaine to selling toilet paper. "It's much more in demand," one drug dealer said, adding, "and, besides, selling it involves less risk."

On a sad note, muggings have increased by 52%. Most of the victims were folks foolish enough to openly carry toilet paper in their shopping bags or carts through the streets of the city. Clearly a no-no.

The Newark Police Department advises people to take special precautions to guard toilet paper in their homes. "A locked cabinet or a wall safe is the best place to store and hide this valuable paper," a police spokesperson said.

Meanwhile, anyone wishing to donate toilet paper to the city of Newark should contact the mayor's office. Only new, not used, paper will be accepted.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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