The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) had announced that it will publish research into Postorgasmic Illness Syndrome, including, they say, a cure.
First described by doctors in 2002, Postorgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS) is a condition characterized by debilitating symptoms following orgasm that last for a few hours to several days. Symptoms usually appear within half an hour of orgasm and resolve after a few days.
PIS symptoms include cognitive dysfunction; discomfort and acute stickiness in the penis region; irritability, especially when asked dumb questions after orgasm; anxiety; craving for relief; craving for that last Dunkin Donut in the box on top of the fridge, even though you know it's one of those nasty French Cruller thingies; depressed mood; difficulty communicating and remembering words; inability to pretend not to be annoyed about having a f--king conversation about absolutely nothing that couldn't wait until morning; reading and retaining information; concentrating; lethargy regarding getting up to pee, even though your bladder has distended to the size of a rugby ball.
Most POIS sufferers also experience an inability to stay aware more than 30-45 seconds after ejaculating, severe headache, and allergy-like symptoms, such as sneezing, itchy eyes, nasal irritation, and muscle pain.
"This disease has been erroneously ascribed to hypochondria," said Dr. Victor Von Journaloftheamericanmedicalassociation, whose family has published their namesake Journal for 4 generations. "There are hundreds of sufferers, and that number is rapidly growing."
"Almost every sufferer had a condition of low progesterone, or were low in testosterone, high in cortisol, and a contrast enhanced dedicated pituitary MRI has found pituitary abnormalities whose pathology root cause was either pituitary microadenoma, or... Zzzzzzzzz. Sorry, must have nodded out."
Fortunately for the goo-shooting public, a treatment has been identified.
"If the man does not have to do a lot or work during foreplay, he is less likely to suffer from POIS. Also, there seems to be an antidote in saliva, so men who are fellated usually do not suffer from POIS," said Dr. Victor.
"In fact, male POIS sufferers remain asymptomatic if they are allowed to sit in a Barcolounger in full recline while his partner services him orally. Once the act is completed, the male should be given 15-20 minutes alone in the chair with a remote, cold beverage, and some crackers with cheese."
"Partners who do not follow these instructions carefully risk serious harm to the male sufferer, which is why deviating from these procedures is a Disorderly Persons Offense in all 50 states."
The doctor also found that POIS does not exist in women: "They can experience the same symptoms, of course, but it is just because women are typically whiny babies who cry over every damned thing."
Dr. Victor currently practices chiropractic medicine in a trailer in Absecon, NJ. He is divorced 7 times, and has no children.
(POIS is real. Google it, or check the Wikipedia article. And if it's something you're dealing with, take a look at the POIS forum on The Naked Scientists' website. It'll help.)