In anticipation of the Yellowstone Park Eruption the US Bush Administration has decided to clear most of the World in order to provide long term alternative homelands for the American people. The White House confirmed today that President Bush had ordered the Worldwide distribution of several deadly virus strains and hoped that the people of the World would be understanding.
President Bush is well known for his bold and meaningless actions and so it comes as no surprise that after his viewing of the Discovery Cannel documentary when it showed what occurred in Yellowstone National Park 2.1 million years ago when the sleeping giant exploded covering most of the USA in deadly ash and lava streams flooded out that Bush would move fast. As Bush pointed out at the press conference "Suppose it happened again?" When asked by the Spoof journalist "But it was just a fictional documentary?", Bush replied angrily "That's just what you communists said about Saddam in Iran."
President Bush went on "However, please do not think that the Bush Administration is heartless, we have arranged this conference so that you guys out there have had advance warning to pay off your American Express bills and maybe you could tidy your houses a bit today."
The resettling of the American people is expected to start in the next 70,000 years as Yellowstone Park may explode in 630,000 years time. The White House statistician Dr. Mumble Maths confirmed "There have been probably 3 eruptions in the last 8 million years so that means that the next big one is due in 630,000 years, 3 months and 2 days and 6 hours." Dr. Mumble Maths is the very highly rated statistician also responsible for predicting the Bush administration probabilities of hitting its fiscal targets.
Employees and consultant experts at Meridian Bioscience, the Ohio-based company that prepared the samples on behalf of the College of American Pathologists for the US Bush administration selected the H2N2 virus realizing the danger that a common cold would not achieve the desired decimation of the world population. However, Dr Stöhr said "the company had not breached any regulations and had acted swiftly to send the virus to laboratories all over the World" and added,
"The H2N2 was mixed up with a range of other flu viruses and pathogens so that the receiving laboratories would think that it was a standard testing kit to be used on volunteers."
The Bush administration is enthusiastic to set up and maintain advanced monitoring military satellite stations in Central Asia, a traditional crossroads but it has yet to make final arrangements in countries like the former Soviet republics such as providing a station in Kyrgyzstan. However, Rumsfeld has already located an emergency military location in Afghanistan for the Bush administration in case the Yellowstone eruption statistics are not quite right.
The advance stations will be used to monitor the progress of the deadly virus on the overseas populations. The relocation program has been already tested by moving 350,000 US citizens at short notice to Middle Eastern country Iraq which is currently being cleared by locally employed bombers but progress is too slow.
Meanwhile back at the White House press conference, the spoof reporter tried again "President Bush, do you not feel any humanity or piety for the peoples of the World?" President Bush gleamed and with a saintly shine and smile "I confessed everything to the Pope at the Vatican last Friday 8th April and he did not say one bad word back about my World domination plans, if its good enough for him its good enough for me."
The latest manic Bush administration plan seems to have had only one flaw, UPS had been chosen specifically as it was unlikely other carriers would accept samples with the attached warning sticker "contains deadly toxic viruses and pathogens -do not drop, open or taste." However, due to an unusual and unfortunate mix up with the bar codes and addressing system and other operator errors, the samples were sent out as "MacDonalds taster samples" using an internal UPS distribution list. The delivery mistake was discovered when the UPS customer service rang Meridian Bioscience requesting another 33,578 samples for the other MacDonalds restaurants.