Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: Cats, Court

Wednesday, 13 April 2005

image for Martha: Wisconsin People Bad Cat Chefs
"Those idiots don't cook cats right!

Martha Stewart will be entering court today in an attempt to get emergency permission to set up camp in Wisconsin. "Those people just can't cook cats" she'll reasoned, "and all that culinary opportunity will be wasted! Believe me, I've eaten cat in Wisconsin" she told the Spoof reporter, "and it sucked."

"It all starts in where you shoot the cat," she explained, "and those guys are clueless. They're using shotguns, often with #8 shot, which is too small and makes the cat hard to prepare for the oven. I like #4 shot or a .22 aimed at the head. You know, cats aren't like frikkin Chihuahuas, all hyper and moving their heads around. I can zap a cat from 50 yards!"

"The most popular way of cooking cat," she offered, "is oven-roasted with potatoes and a few veggies. But they're really very versatile. One of the best pussys I ever had was at a garden keg party in Texas. A cat appeared on the arbor, and the next thing you know it was skinned and on the grill. It was late in the evening and the keg was floating, but I still remember the barbecue being excellent. Too bad the head was too mangled for mounting; it would have looked nice with the others in his den."

In related story, President Bush, who has never liked Martha because she's a democrat, took offense to her story about people in Texas eating pussy. "We'd never do that sort of thing here in Texas," he declared, "and even if we did, Martha's not going to tell us how to do it! That's just the sort of nerve that got her locked up, while the corporate crooks who are republican contributors have yet to be prosecuted. They just have a more civil tongue!"

Meanwhile back in Wisconsin, entrepreneurs were planning ways to profit from this new resource. Selling pickled pussy toes to bars is one of the first new innovations, and a new line of cat skin clothing, called pussy fur, will be out soon. Toe suckers and fur lovers are thrilled. Meat packing firms are considering producing a cat sausage, called Meow Mix and Furburgers.

Martha, pessimistic over her chances of getting to Wisconsin to save the meal, will offer long-distance advice. "Remember" she reminds us, "never let it get too dry!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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