MADISON, Wisconsin - After years of passive fuming, Madison-area resident Jim "Sparky" McManus can finally do something about his hatred of cats: kill them. Thanks to a newly passed law, residents of the Badger State can bag as many feral felines as they can set their sights on - and not a moment too soon as far as McManus is concerned.
In a profanity-laced interview, the happy new hunter praised the wisdom of state leaders in reclassifying feral cats (which are defined as any cat not under an owner's direct and immediate control) as an unprotected species. This change in classification will allow feral cats to be hunted year-round and without license or limits.
"Man I can't tell you how excited I am," said McManus. "I woke up this morning and ran out to grab the paper to see if the law had passed. I was so f**king pumped. While I was reading the paper, I saw one of my frigging neighbor's cats in my back yard. So I went and got my BB gun and shot it. It was great. I went out and shot it again for good measure before I tossed it over the fence into their yard. I hate cats."
Across the city this morning one could hear the sounds of justice at work: guns firing, tires squealing, wood chippers grinding - and above it all, cats screeching. Not all of the sounds were joyful however - many irresponsible cat owners could be heard lamenting the unfortunate deaths of their favorite felines.
Megan Birch, 26, a veterinary technician from upscale Shorewood Hills, found her cat, Prince Purrrfect, nailed to a tree near her home. "What is going on here?" she sobbed. "P2 never hurt anyone. He was the sweetest and softest pal a gal could have but now look at him." Indeed, it was a gruesome sight. "I swear, if I had known my cat would be a victim, I never would have supported the idea of cat hunting."
Back in Madison, McManus and his self-styled "Kat Killer Posse" were getting ready for an afternoon of hunting. "We'll be hitting a bunch of parks and alleys downtown," explained McManus, standing before a large map of the city. "We should also plan on heading out to some of the new developments - you know they are full of idiots that let their cats run around free."
Heading to their cars, McManus called out, "Saddle up K2P, its time to kill some cats." As he cruised the city streets, he didn't miss an opportunity to swerve to hit any cats that he saw. Unlike the first kill of the day, McManus retrieved all of his afternoon kills. "I am going to have these stuffed and mounted - it's going to be awesome."