Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: TV, Law, Jersey Shore

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

image for We're Experts at Negotiations and Contract Law. Wait, Replace "Negotiations" with "Saying and Doing Stupid Sh-t" and "Contract Law" with "Shaming Our Families, Friends and the Entire Italian-American Community."
Nicole "Snookie" Polizzi

Answering a question that has plagued tens of fans since the first time the cast defiled our collective mentalities, our television friends on "Jersey Shore" have careers post-MTV: Contract negotiations and the attendant law.

The cast: JWoww, Frankie, Pauly, Snooki, Saccho, Vanzetti, The Situation and Lord Dago the Wop, have been on strike since they realized their contracts do not cover Season 3, which producers were to begin shooting this week in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Said Snooki, through an interpreter: "The existing contract set forth the means and method of recompense for what MTV characterized in the Contract as "Jersey Shore Season 2: Miami." In a letter memorandum from producers, dated June 17, 2010, MTV requested that we arrive on or before July 18, 2010 to begin filming Season 3, which will again be set in Seaside Heights. Clearly, using MTV's own characterization of these TV series, the producers wish the cast to return for a third season, ostensibly without a contract.

"Further," Snooki continued, "The producers should be aware that, if they wish to litigate this matter, New Jersey courts tend to apply ambiguities and defects in a contract as against the originators of a contract, in this case MTV. Further, MTV is saddled with issues of equitable and collateral estoppels that we believe will be held against them. We will prevail at trial.

(Snooki's statement, in its original form: "What the f-k, this is f-king bullsh-t, man. You want us ta work, you need to pay these mother-kers up in here. Are you going to eat that?"

The cast currently receive $10,000 an episode each, and they believe that they are entitled to a salary in the $50,000 to $75,000 range. MTV disagrees.

Said MTV: "The show is not about famous rich people with managers coming to the Shore, it is about marginally attractive young Italian-Americans engaging in Three Stooges-level buffoonery on camera, so that our viewers can watch and think to themselves, 'these kids accurately represent the Italian American culture, their levels of education and intelligence, and, indeed, what Italian-Americans bring to the proverbial table. And I am better than them.'

"These kids will never be able to working in show business, because they will always have that unsavory, 'Jersey Shore' stink on them," MTV continued. "And who else would hire them? We've seen them fight, f - -k, drink, do drugs, and generally embarrass themselves, in Hi-Def."

"No, the cast of Jersey shore has ruined its future, jointly and severally, and this is why we pay them about as much as a tenured college professor."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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