Written by Elgar Spline
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Topics: Washington, scandal

Tuesday, 12 April 2005

image for Condolezza Rice Resigns - Falisified Everything
Condolezza Rice in a file photo

Condolezza Rice tendered her resignation as Secretary of State today in a scandal still unfolding in Washington. President Bush and his cabinet colleagues expressed "shock and dismay" when a Democrat who was in the same class in Penn. State in which Ms. Rice claimed to have graduated asserted that he had no recollection of her ever being there.

Despite being denounced by the Rev. Al Sharpton, The Rev. Jesse Jackson, and Rita Mae Brown as being a racist , sexist, and , (possibly), homophobic male chauvanist, the unnamed Democrat persisted in his accusations, producing a list of graduates in which Ms. Rice's name was conspicuously absent.

This triggered a subcommitte investigation into Ms. Rice's curriculum vitae , which immediately revealed that all of her academic diplomas, dating back to grammar school, had been crudely forged, apparently printed with fonts cut from raw potatoes. When the administrators of the U. of Penn, where she became a tenured professor in political science, were questioned, it was discovered that each administrator assumed that the other had assessed the veracity of Ms. Rice's bona fides, being reluctant to appear overzealous in investigating a two-hitter Affirmative Action hire.

While Ms. Rice's introduction of the perspective of "new criticism" to the study of government, (wherein, as in literature, it is the observer's reaction to history that is important rather than the factual history as written), was considered an insightful breath of fresh air at the time, a re-evaluation reveals it as a ploy to disguise the fact that Ms. Rice was unfamiliar with the subject matter. She was infamous for confusing Alexander Hamilton with James Madison, repeatedly stating in her lectures that the latter had been shot in a duel with "Aaron 'Brown'"

More shocks were in store for the subcommittee when Ms. Rice's biological parents were called to testify and it was immediately obvious that they were unquestionably Caucasian. Her tearful mother revealed that Evelyn, (Condolezza's birth name), realized early on that she didn't have the intellectual ability to compete academically, and so had begun applying liberal doses of over-the-counter artificial tanning products at an early age, which eventually produced a skin tone more indicative or race than of exposure to the sun. School records show that Ms. Rice was classified as "Caucasian" through the fourth grade . Other personal data, referred to later in this article, were also changed at that time.

The Rev. Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson immediately denounced Ms. Rice as a dispicable, mendacious, (to paraphrase), racist opportunist, whose conduct should have made any observer suspicious of her qualifications for any authorative position involving public scrutiny.

But, the final, and greatest, shock was yet to come when Ms. Rice was taken into custody prior to her arraignment on perjury charges. In the strip-search required of all prisoners, guards discovered that "'Ms.' Rice" had a fully developed, and rather large, penis, adhesively taped backwards between her legs towards her buttocks, and no vagina at all. "'Ms.' Rice is, in fact, a fully developed, biological MAN!

Rita Mae Brown immediately denounced Ms. Rice as a manipulative male chauvanist, and implied that capital punishment for her crime was not inappropriate.

There have been no further comments from the White House beyond President Bush's initial reaction when the falsified transcripts came to light.

Ms. Rice has been incommunicado, (and, indeed, incoherent, according to her guards.), having somehow acquired a quantity of "raisin jack", (a home-made alcoholic beverage), shortly after her detention. Prisoners incarcerated in neigboring cells report that she has been singing sea chanties loudly in a deep, melodious voice, and dancing the hornpipe alone in her cell. Attempts to converse with her have been rebuffed with obscene, scatological refusal.

William Bennett, retained as Ms. Rice's counsel, stated that the entire matter was a Democratic vendetta and the Ms. Rice would emerged untarnished by the "sordid, partisan attacks."

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